Bad news or good news?

News flash: I got transferred back to site. 

Earlier this month, while I was having an interview with Roy, my manager, for my evaluation, he said most probably I might get transferred back to site due to unforeseen circumstances. So yea, I kinda prepared myself for that and I even do solat istikharah and pray that whichever decision that is good for me, it will be and may I be avoided from things that are bad. So after few days, I got a call from a M&E Engineering Consultant company for an interview during Zun's wedding, but I ask to be postponed because I had plans. Also because it's been nearly 3 years since I had an interview so I think I need to prepare myself first. And not to regret later. And I already remind them to ask for a reschedule on the interview. Now, I got a news that I need to be transferred to site temporarily until further notice to replace a document controller who resigned and also to assist site M&E work. But no, I'm not a document controller. I'm just gonna assist on the documentation.

How do I feel? To be honest, NUMB. I feel numb. I dont know what to feel. Happy? Sad?

I mean, I prepared for it though. And I also got my HQ working hours, means I dont need to work on Saturday, only if necessary. But I'm sure as long as I dont have any outstanding work, it should be fine. I dont know how its going to be at site, its been a year since I left site and havent been there ever since. And its my first time working with new client. A very famous client. With their names at most of the residential billboards.

I really dont know how its going to be now I'm carpooling with my husband and my transfer would be next week and we kinda have to have all these sorted out. Like asap. I'm trying to see this as an opportunity for me because I wanted to get Professional Engineers certificate and I need more things to scribble down inside my log book instead of just submission, dealing with contract what not. I need bigger things and M&E related. But also, I have a son. I have a home to handle and even now, working in the office, I still am not discipline enough to shower, to complete my PM skincare routine, to clean the house and everything. I barely have time to mingle with my son. I always go home feeling so tired. And now, working at site. Of course you know what I mean. Being tired.

Really, I dont know what to feel. Hence, numbness.

So I really am putting full throttle in sending out CV to consultant's company, to find new job. Consultant company. Might be a different kind of tired because most consultant will need to overtime but I really need to move on sooner or later. I need to step up my game. Gain knowledge. I'm at the age where I should bulldoze my way up. Its too early to settle down. I'm not that young anymore but I still have the energy to be a mom and be a career woman at the same time. I mean, even if I dont have that much energy, I still have to discipline myself, right? Really, I have no choice anymore. I have to be discipline. Like really.

I dont always sound so positive but I should stop being so lazy and always so tired, sleepy and all and really try to find opportunity everywhere. I wish I have that much energy and determination to move at a faster pace. I'm turning 28 next year and I'm still a lazy ass that pretty much follows whatever people say. My colleague next to me is still finding opportunities somewhere else to grow and he's double my age. I should be ashamed.

I can do this. I can get PE before 30, in sha Allah. As long as I work hard for it.

Wasalam. Love, Nina M.

December well packed

My body is definitely in a very amiss state. My period delayed, (not pregnant!), pimples partying on my face especially on the chin area, my mood fluctuates like mad. I am in the mood for resigning. I feel like tender my resignation this minutes, this second, this very second. But I know I cant, because I have loads of commitments. But what the hell, I really want to get new job so please pray for me! 

Well, cant blame hormones for the pimples though. I have been neglecting much of my skincare routines like, urm everyday? Really. And my face often gets too oily too, which its not. I'm just too lazy. Commitments, running errands, everything, its just too much to bear at times but really, how did my mom did it with 7 kids though, seriously. 

Often though, when at work, I planned my nights ahead, go home to cook, prepare dinner, put Harris to bed, clean the house, clean myself, BUT, often too I terbabas. I would fall asleep while putting Harris to bed and wake up the next morning. Without showering and no proper skincare routine. I often awake in the middle of the night, awake enough for Isya' prayer. And get back straight to bed.

Why is it so hard to discipline myself????

Anywayssss, I got a new microwave! Okay, well, we dont exactly buy it. During husband's company dinner, he won a lucky draw ---> washing machine. Buttttttt, since we already had one and husband also got a choice to choose other electrical appliances as long as its the same price or can pick several electrical appliances that sums up to the original price of the washing machine. And since husband has been telling me he wanted to get me a microwave to ease my work in reheating the leftovers what not, he took home a microwave for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I hope he'll be blessed with all the goodness in life for helping to ease down my hardship, aminnnnn <3 

Just so you know, I'm a mother of one and I still get invited to be a bridesmaid, like whutttt? Yeaaaa, for Zun's wedding. Her husband and herself fancies Harris so much like they've been begging me to come. Hahahaha. Well it was a last minute plan and I'm sure they have no one else to attend to and I was quite free so my friend asked me to walk along with her, and other bridesmaid down the aisle. And the theme color is dusty purple. I had to spend few hours at my parent's hurling down all my old clothes for that particular color because I remembered I had that color somewhere. Hahahahaha. And also because I was nearly broke and also my wardrobe because too much unworn clothes. And I was hella right! I have a good one and thankfully it still fits. The problem with my clothes now is that everything gets baggy. I've become too skinny that all my clothes need altering to shrink down a few inches. Loose is good, but baggy isnt. Even my mom (who usually disapproves most of my clothing) said its too baggy and too sloppy. 

Eventhough it looks a bit big too, but its better than the other one, which totally no one approves. And I remember my mom had a light grey shawl somewhere but we all couldnt find it at all, so my last option is this bawal and I wore it like shawl because I wasnt that confident wearing it just the way it is. 

Yep, that's me, right at the very back. Because you know, I'm tall and all. Hahahaha. Married too. Kah. I look so nice I know. 

Just a close up of my make-up. Thanks to the bb cushion and good sun lighting, I look flawless. When the truth is NOT. 

The #saujaniansisters attending Zunnurain's wedding. 

The dusty purple + purplish pink gang. Sounds like a mob. But no, we're demure. Haha. 

My ex-bridesmaid of honor and Zun's bridesmaid of honor. The one who wont let me eat during makan beradap because I keep spilling food on my gown. I pray that you'll find your spouse soon, in sha Allah :) 

While I ironed our clothes, my husband said, "Why do I need to wear purple too? I'm not the bridesmaid." But he did too. I know he loves me. Hahahaha. I said its okay if he wants to wear it with jeans but he wear full suit. He loves me so much. 

From left, Firdaus, Tajul, Zunnurain, Harris & me. Husband was reluctant to come up to the pelamin at first but Tajul wanted to see him so much. Well, Tajul was quite a guy. He only met us once but he loved Harris like his own. He kept asking where's Harris and Firdaus. 

I'm pretty sure I misplaced all these photo somewhere. Haihhhh.

Its my first day of work for this week as we just got back from Melaka on Monday from holiday with my husband's family. I'll definitely make a new post of this trip. My first day of work for this week starts quite okay, but not that okay too... But I'd try and shrug it off. Just keeping my eyes open for any other opportunities! 

Told you Harris totally looks like me. #husbandwho #okjoking

This little fella is just too cheeky I just cant. I often will talk to him, how I wanted him to be humble, bright and just be lovable, unlike me. I wish I could be a good mother to him, I mean, I want to. Haihh I'm such a bad mother. I dont know what I do to deserve this boy. He's just too calm. And clingy. And naughty. But always so lovable. 

 Long night talks with him are just the best. And cuddling afterwards. Too cuddly I often fall asleep while putting him to bed. Hahaha.

Few days and its gonna be 2019. Gotta make the best out of this year. Like listing out all 2019 resolutions way ahead of time and get everything planned out. 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M. 

Hormones - away from caffeine & new spectacles.

Only with skincare plus sunscreen on my face. And see how I've gotten so many zits on the lower part of my face. Lower cheek, chin. I've googled about it and the main reason for the pimples at that specific area is because of hormones. 

click photo for more detailed explanation on the website itself. 

I can definitely relate since I've been dealing with emotional roller coaster for the past weeks and still am but handling it much better now. Also, sleep-deprived made me craved for something sugary everyday so the closest I could get is my coffee. There are days I would make myself two cup in 8 hours. Imagine the sugar intake. Totally hormones, yep. 

So as much as I want my coffee now, I just have to limit it to once a day. Which means, I didnt have it in the morning, I only have one time, so its either in the evening or night time. But definitely saving it for this evening. But best if I dont drink any coffee for the day. And for the rest of the week. And month. Okay, let's not push it. Just have to drink less. 

Anyway, I made new spectacles! Yesterday, I really was feeling lazy so I told husband to just eat out. So we went to Ali Bistro and joined Angah's family & zira for breakfast. Totally unplanned. I was thinking of going to Sg Wang to get a new specs but it was just a plan. Then after breakfast, angah said he wants to go to JJ to buy Iris's school supplies so I was like, okay lets carpool. And next thing I know, I saw a year end sale at this optometrist and the price is almost the same like in Sg Wang so I went to take a look. Next thing I know, I chose a spectacle, check my eyes and swiped my debit card. An hour later, its done! 

I just have to use the HUJI filter to make my photo look better. Pimples really are partying on my face and it drops my confident level real hard. 

I'm more of a square specs kinda person. Even if round looks better on me (because a person once told me that I am), I still prefer square ones. Round ones looks bad on me if I wear square tudung, I think? 

And yep, this boy wants to join too. 

Mingle around with the other kids. 

Harris was a bit sakai because he ate chocolates and he wears white. Hahah so yea, he looks pretty comot right there. 

And just us, having a bit of fun at Molly Fantasy. Okay, now I'm addicted to it.

I'm still having headache due to new specs. Also, my power increased a bit. Blame no one but myself, been using someone else's spectacles for quite a while. Hahaha. The spectacles cost me RM115. The price is RM65 but I add another RM50 for screen protection lenses. So yea, I was hoping it's worth the price. And the frame is not that sturdy, but hey, who can complain, I want it cheap. Haha. Because I'm under tight budget now. I've completed all bill payments this morning and I'm officially broke. But happily broke. 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M. 

Why I started blogging

This recalls way waaaaaaaaaaaaay back. Back in secondary school, I loved doodling, writing, everything on my notebook. I always have few. To be honest, I didnt recall myself doodling and making notes during my secondary school but few months back, I did a spring cleaning on all my stuffs before I moved out of my parent's house and I found my old old old notebook. And totally reminded me how I have so many notebook before and love to write on it. And during highschool, I enrolled in a boarding school. I used to have a diary, to jot down whatever I'm experiencing, each day. This includes crush yea. Omg, when I read back, it all comes back to me and boy, really, that was me?!! But of course, that's me. My husband did read it too and he surely are reminded of what's fated for him if he laughs so yea, it was a serious read for him. Because I am not sure if I'm ready to be laughed at expect me myself. Haha. 

And also during highschool, I made a blog. And actively blogging after SPM. This is my third blog. Each blog represents a phase. And for current one, a grown up phase. (Yea right, since when I ever grow up *rolling eyes*). I've made loads of mistake in each of my blog, it brought more disaster than goodness. I mean, its my blog, I can blog whatever I want right. Except that there's always people that reads it and spread bad things about it. My readers back then were like, almost to none (?) But of course there is. I dont get many comments or followers. I blog of my lifestyle, my life, my meltdowns, my ALL. Its not a skincare blog, health blog, travel blog or anything. Its just my blog, of me. And most of the time, I keep my blog private. Due to previous unfortunate events that kinda ruin my working life. Only just recently that I open my blog to public and started blog walking publicly, joining giveaways and all. Even trying dropping my link to someone's blog while blog walking teheheheeee. If you're one of it, hello! 

Anyways, up until now, I still love blogging and I think of starting to have planner. To plan my days, my events, my life, better. I used to have a notebook early this year, but I dont even know where it is now. Its because I find it making my bag heavy so I took it out. Gahh typical amalina. 

I used to have dreams of wanting to pursue myself in writing, english literature and all but again, I'm just lazy. I really need to be committed of something and make my way towards it. I'm more of a tahi tahi ayam kinda person and I hate that. I cant be completely focus and complete whatever I'm doing without being distracted. Even at work, I do work and play game at the same time. Totally a bad habit. Wonder what will happen if I focus. I would've become an excellent person. 

Anyways, I just feel like writing and blogging helps myself to be focus and a gentle reminder for whatever I want to achieve in life. 

But really, all these blabbering and I didnt even answer my own question. Why I started blogging? 

Answer: It's because writing a diary hurts my fingers and as I grow older, my handwriting gotten worst and I couldnt stand looking at it. Typing gets so much easier to let whatever inside my head flow. So that's why I started blogging. Kah! 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M. 

Long week

Today is Thursday, and I'm feeling dreadful. Because it felt like its taking ages for this week to end. I wish that its already Friday so I could spend my nights watching movies and not having to wake up early in the morning. But who am I kidding, its only Thursday and I feel like its taking forever to reach 6pm *yawning hard*.

Anyway, after those incidents (refer previous post), I am becoming so much careful with whatever I'm gonna say. I used to say things to hurt people, to hurt myself, and something so negative. But right now, I am being extra careful. Truly an eye opener.

We got up around 4.30am this morning because husband is on leave since he's going fishing with my brother, Angah and his friends early. I continue sleeping a bit after he left and wake up around 6.30am which is considered early, compared for the past weeks. So this is really a good improvement for myself. After I showered, Harris wakes up. He usually doesnt wake up until at least I finish my morning skincare routine but y'know kids, they're unpredictable. So this morning, I managed everything myself. Clear the kitchen, prepare my lunch, empty the trash can, drove Harris to the nanny, drove myself to work and alhamdulillah, I am able to reach the office quite on time. Because y'know, for the past days and weeks, we will only get out from the house around 8am and I usually reach office nearly 8.30am and yea, its bad. Office working hours starts at 8.15am.

Someone is having his 'me' time. As much as a mother needs her own time, I guess dad's need it too. Well, I need to plan sometime for my 'me' time then. Hahaha. 

I was feeling quite okay? Yea, I am. I feel a bit talkative today. Since I've been moody for past days, including all those panic attack and all yea. So my mood's a bit lifted today. Also that my mom have been calling me everyday and few times in a day, just to check on myself. My husband starting to pay much more attention to me since he's afraid that I might gone nuts again. Its not that he havent been giving me attention though, its just a conflict with myself and he started to understand, alhamdulillah. Or probably because I wasnt too grateful before that now, when I started to realize all the little things, I feel much calmer. Also chanting that MONEY IS NOT EVERYTHING every now and then to keep myself in check.

Its scary how financial problems can fill your life with negativity, depressing yourself and all. And I should never ever let that thing into my way to achieve goodness in life. There's always a reason for everything and Allah's answer to prayers are never a no. Its a YES or He'll give something better. And I have to believe that whatever happens is for a reason, good reason.

Missing this little boy a little extra today.

My hip hop baby. 

And yes, I'm feeling a bit extra too yesterday that I feel the need to build up my confidence so I took few selfies. 

I still need to change my specs though because this one was given by my colleague which doesnt fit my power exactly. Its supposed to be temporary though but I havent got the chance to make new one yet. But definitely need to. I was at the masjid that time, after Maghrib prayer. 

Okay, so I'm off to perform Asar prayer and get ready to go home!

Wasalam. Love, Nina M. 

Two peas in a pod

4th December 2018 shall mark the day when I realize that I cant be in control of anything. I was at my most unstable phase. I started questioning my existence, my life. Everyone else should be blamed for everything. To be honest, I havent really moved on from that phase. I am still in THAT phase, but what happened yesterday really opened my eyes, mind and I know even though I havent completely moved on from being unstable, I am not going to say a word or even have any what ifs in my head that is beyond my control. I am controlling myself to not overthinking, to try not to panic again. (Panic attack is painful I tell you). And I've been having panic attack for days now.

Yesterday morning, my husband was planning to go work by bike because he got an early meeting to catch. So after he got down, he called me while I was getting ready. He told me that his bike's carburetor got stolen. I was trying to be calm, and I do calm myself down. Still, the day doesnt seem to be shining bright on us. I mean, because I've been feeling down for weeks now and I dont talk much, I dont do much. I just focus on my life. And around after lunch, I went to perform ablution, when I got back, I got missed call from my husband, and a whatsapp text from him saying that our car battery got stolen too. Yea, two peas in a pod. Two disastrous things happens in less than half a day. Frankly speaking, WE ARE BROKE. Because our monthly expenses got a bit overboard with Harris's admitted, car broke down, all sorts of stuff. And my salary is due that night. I told my mom, she helped me a bit financially and our problems solved. I had panic attack later that evening. Again. My dad called me and ask me to solat sunat taubat and asar prayer to calm myself down.

These events rendered us speechless. We were lost of words. There's nothing we can say. Allah showed His power upon us when I am still at the verge of losing everything including my faith. We were overwhelmed but really, probably I needed that smack in the head just to get back to my senses.

I have so much to be grateful of but I decided not to. I question every single thing that I didnt get and ignored the fact that I have mostly everything. I have a husband, a family, a child, I have literally everything. So yea, we might be short of financially but there's never been a days that we dont have food on the table, no money to spare, no house to live in. We have almost everything and we have people that could help in doom days, but I choose not to be grateful about it. I choose to compare myself with people that have things that I want but Allah always knows, we may want it, but we dont need it. And they might have struggled a lot for it, but what I did is nothing to deserve it.

Yea, I needed it to put me back into my senses. Even with both incidents happening, we still afford to buy new ones, we still able to come back home safely, we still be able to put food on the table. Yea, I was actually overwhelmed and I hoped I never have to face such difficulties again.

Its still too early for me to say that I completely insaf. I am still at the phase of regaining strength, faith, and spirit. I was too broken that I was shivering when I tried sleeping. I cant sleep. I dont feel right at all. And I had panic attack for countless times last night. I've been having panic attack for days now. I tried controlling myself but it just come out of control.

This morning, I end up waking up quite late and I cried like mad lady that husband had to calm myself down. Things were out of my control. I am sleep deprived, panicking and I really dont know what to do. So right now, I am still feeling a bit unstable and I am trying to regain my strength.

A colleague told me this morning that her house got robbed too last night. And all her handbags gone, daughter's bag also gone, her house was trashed too. And today, she got to settle all her identification card, license, everything. I cant imagine myself being in her shoes now. I would've panicked. I mean, there's a lot need to be done. Renew IC, license, block all bank cards everything. May Allah ease everything for her.

You know, even in our worst state, I have never come into thinking to rob anything or steal anything. But why is this happening to me, I dont know. But my dad told me, when Allah take something from us, he's preparing to give a better thing to us. There's always a good reason for everything that happens. And I am trying to really really believe that. It's not easy to gain back whatever's lost. Especially faith, strength and all, but I am trying.

There's a lot of Allah's saying I could relate to what I'm experiencing now. And I guess, I always have to remind myself. 

Its a phase, and I will recover. The choices is up to myself. I will get better, in sha Allah. 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M.