Just thinking

I think my marriage have come to a point where its just comfort. Comfort zones. I have so many things I dont feel okay about this marriage, but I dont feel like it can be fixed. I feel like, we're just here, merely just surviving for our kids well being. Not focusing on US, but just the kids. 

When I told my psychologist about me always lashing out to him and everything, she asked me one question which left me to a complete deep thought, so deep but unable to answer it. 

"What are the things that you both refer to or decide to as WE?" 

I swear to god, I was silenced. Like, I cant answer it, at all. It's just "I". Barely a "WE" or "US". It has been a while that a decision was made based on we. It's either, you or me. Never a decision we both agree upon as a team. It's funny how I just realized that. 

She told me that, the key to marriage is from "I" to "WE". 

So I told my husband. And we fight, again. As always. It's just always about blaming someone and I strongly feel there is no way to go from here. There is no way we're gonna come out from this. I am still struggling with myself most of the times and I cant really deal with something without bursting out. My mood is just off. 

I am just here for the sake of the kids. Our top priority was never about us anymore. It's just the kids. Everything just for the kids. And for each of our own. 

I dont normally rant about this. But every sessions is like peeling slices of onion and I have to learn to accept and make something about it. I have to make it from I to WE. We both have to. If we want this marriage to last. Because honestly, once the kids grow up, divorce would be the first decision we finally agree on. 

I dont know if I want to happen. Or not. Or whatever. 

Bye. Love, Nina M. 

Mundane

I swear to God I dont even know why I'm saying this, but I finally agreed to see a psychologist. After being insisted by my mom, I finally agreed to undergo therapy. At first, I dont see the point of it because I'm just battling some inner feelings that probably everybody is having now? I dont know. But I guess, someone else sees something is wrong with me and needs treatment. It's not a psychiatrist. It's a psychologist. Both have different meanings and I'm not under any medication. I am just still ongoing therapy. I've had few episodes of meltdowns, battling this procrastination and useless feelings some sort. I dont even know how to explain it. Because it seems so deep down rooted and I cant find the root cause. It's just a mess. 

I just hope I will get better one day. I may not feel like want to get better, but really, I dont even know what I want. Sometimes I feel motivated that I barely sit down or just scrolling my phone. Sometimes I feel completely useless, idiotic and self-loathing bitch who just wants to be pampered but dont want it too. 

It's a constant battle and I dont even know how did I come to this point that requires therapy. Well, no harm trying. Are we supposed to see some improvement after few sessions? Can I see those improvements myself? Can I know that I've improved myself? Do I feel improved? I dont know. I still have many sessions to go. No harm. 

To be completely honest, I am done trying. I am doing this for my mom and my family, for me to be a better mom, a better wife, a better daughter. 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M.