Bad news or good news?

News flash: I got transferred back to site. 

Earlier this month, while I was having an interview with Roy, my manager, for my evaluation, he said most probably I might get transferred back to site due to unforeseen circumstances. So yea, I kinda prepared myself for that and I even do solat istikharah and pray that whichever decision that is good for me, it will be and may I be avoided from things that are bad. So after few days, I got a call from a M&E Engineering Consultant company for an interview during Zun's wedding, but I ask to be postponed because I had plans. Also because it's been nearly 3 years since I had an interview so I think I need to prepare myself first. And not to regret later. And I already remind them to ask for a reschedule on the interview. Now, I got a news that I need to be transferred to site temporarily until further notice to replace a document controller who resigned and also to assist site M&E work. But no, I'm not a document controller. I'm just gonna assist on the documentation.

How do I feel? To be honest, NUMB. I feel numb. I dont know what to feel. Happy? Sad?

I mean, I prepared for it though. And I also got my HQ working hours, means I dont need to work on Saturday, only if necessary. But I'm sure as long as I dont have any outstanding work, it should be fine. I dont know how its going to be at site, its been a year since I left site and havent been there ever since. And its my first time working with new client. A very famous client. With their names at most of the residential billboards.

I really dont know how its going to be now I'm carpooling with my husband and my transfer would be next week and we kinda have to have all these sorted out. Like asap. I'm trying to see this as an opportunity for me because I wanted to get Professional Engineers certificate and I need more things to scribble down inside my log book instead of just submission, dealing with contract what not. I need bigger things and M&E related. But also, I have a son. I have a home to handle and even now, working in the office, I still am not discipline enough to shower, to complete my PM skincare routine, to clean the house and everything. I barely have time to mingle with my son. I always go home feeling so tired. And now, working at site. Of course you know what I mean. Being tired.

Really, I dont know what to feel. Hence, numbness.

So I really am putting full throttle in sending out CV to consultant's company, to find new job. Consultant company. Might be a different kind of tired because most consultant will need to overtime but I really need to move on sooner or later. I need to step up my game. Gain knowledge. I'm at the age where I should bulldoze my way up. Its too early to settle down. I'm not that young anymore but I still have the energy to be a mom and be a career woman at the same time. I mean, even if I dont have that much energy, I still have to discipline myself, right? Really, I have no choice anymore. I have to be discipline. Like really.

I dont always sound so positive but I should stop being so lazy and always so tired, sleepy and all and really try to find opportunity everywhere. I wish I have that much energy and determination to move at a faster pace. I'm turning 28 next year and I'm still a lazy ass that pretty much follows whatever people say. My colleague next to me is still finding opportunities somewhere else to grow and he's double my age. I should be ashamed.

I can do this. I can get PE before 30, in sha Allah. As long as I work hard for it.

Wasalam. Love, Nina M.