I am the middle child. The one with emotional wreck. The middle child who was forgotten. The middle child who were emotionally abused. The middle child that never feel like enough. The middle child that often feels never good enough. Never enough. Useless. The double standards. The ignored ones.
Yes, I am THAT middle child.
It is my 5th month as a lecturer. My work is flexible as it is. I have a very understanding leader and great team to work with. I feel so blessed to ever granted this job. Alhamdulillah.
This job finally feels like I am doing something that suits me in a way. Probably because I've always liked to teach. Or even give speech. More like nagging. But teaching makes me feel like I'm in the zone. And I am loving the zone. It's still a lot to learn, being in an academic line when you've been quite a while in the industry. However, this switch feels like home. Probably because my mother was a lecturer and I'm the only one in the family that is drawn to being one. My years as a housewife was wonderful but I guess it gets better when I'm a lecturer because my mental health state is improving and I get better clarity, unclouded by anxiety and what not.
So I'm nearly at the end of the semester. It is study week and I'm working from home because my son, Harris caught Covid-19 last week and on the 4th day, his jaw start swollen and as soon as he's released from 5th day quarantine because he was tested negative, we took him to the hospital to check on his jaw. Turns out, it's mumps. A infectious disease like chicken pox. So his quarantine extended to another 10 days. So I requested for wfh since it's study week, no class and his quarantine will finish before final exam starts, so alhamdulillah I was allowed for wfh until he finishes quarantine. It's still a bummer for us because Harris needs to be isolated from Hannah. Husband and me are in sha Allah to be immune from mumps because we had that when we were kids so even though Hannah is vaccinated against mumps, we still need to isolate her. So yeah, days of separated sleep, separated play time and what not. We know we cant force Harris to continue to just stay in his room so when Hannah went to Taska, we let Harris play around the house. And I will sanitize the house right before Hannah gets home and continue isolating Harris.
Btw, alhamdulillah, Hannah, my husband and I, we all tested negative until now. It's still a question on where did Harris gets Covid-19 but alhamdulillah he recovered from it well. I hope he will continue not having any bad side effects like most post-covid patient had. Aminnnn.
My convocation day was actually on Saturday, however, due to pilihan raya, my convocation was postponed to weekday, 24th November. And Harris's quarantine is until 22nd, I still need to bring him to KK to get him checked on 23rd and if his condition is okay, then I can bring him to UTM JB next week.
HOWEVER.
If things doesnt go as planned, I have to make another arrangement. Until then, my plans for convocation day is still remain incomplete. I cant make hotel reservations, I cant actually plan my stay, or my travel days. Or anything. So basically, I didnt plan anything, yet.
Too much going on in November 2022 and I really cant wait until this month to end. Too much for me already. Waaaaay too much. And too much event I've been missing out. And too much things been happening. I got into an accident too but I'll just save it for another day. (I hope)
After 2 years of unemployment, Alhamdulillah, I finally got a job. For the past 2 years, I havent been exactly seeking although was hoping for a job. I was becoming a bit choosy for jobs I'm applying since I already have two kids and doing business was kind of not one of the best option for me at that time. It was a long wait and that one day I was having a thought, googled, saw an opening and immediately applied. Got the interview, prepared myself for it, and now, I am employed. I am now a UTM lecturer, and going to teach diploma students. I am stationed in UTMKL and starting my first day tomorrow.
It was too much of information for me to actually tell because honestly, my 2 years havent been easy. I've been dealing with many things, mentally, physically & financially that remembering my journey is becoming a bit blurry. It was a painful journey. I hope that when I'm ready, I will be able to reminisce and not having a single regret over multiple things because acceptance is never easy for me. It was a vicious moments for me.
As for right now, I just want to focus on tomorrow and many more days coming and try to take things one step at a time. I know being a lecturer means you gotta revise all those lessons you had for the past 10 years and I wasnt a bright student back then. Engineering wasnt an easy course either. But I believe this is a process and I will learn along the way. In sha Allah.
Wasalam. Love, Nina M.
I've been withdrawing myself from a lot of things lately. Probably because some people retract themselves from me. They just stop talking to me. I have no friends. I think I've been too attached to my mom and sister that their friends become mine. Or not even mine. I'm just there pretending as if there were my friends. And my husband's too. Actually no. They are not even my friends. I mean, I dont talk to my husband's friends. Well, because I dont know, I am too attached with kids. But I dont feel like that either. I dont know. I've been withdrawing myself from many things and being so immersed with doing what I thought I would be good at (read: baking) when obviously I flunked at it real bad right now, I have a bunch of things. I've wasted many things. And now I'm onto Procreate and I am still struggling on how can I actually print my designs on tote bags that I wanted so bad. Each day is a day that reminds me how truly failed I am in life. A failure. I am never good at anything.
All I want is to feel happy, to feel at peace, to feel enough, that's all.
I just want to remember each day before I sleep that I have done my best and enough for myself. But it's just impossible.
This is basically what I feel everyday. Some days I feel like I'm suffocating, shivers and I just couldnt stop until everything's done. Motivated? I dont think so. I just feel super overwhelmed that I just couldnt sit tight. At peace? Never.
Wasalam. Love, Nina M.
