Two peas in a pod

4th December 2018 shall mark the day when I realize that I cant be in control of anything. I was at my most unstable phase. I started questioning my existence, my life. Everyone else should be blamed for everything. To be honest, I havent really moved on from that phase. I am still in THAT phase, but what happened yesterday really opened my eyes, mind and I know even though I havent completely moved on from being unstable, I am not going to say a word or even have any what ifs in my head that is beyond my control. I am controlling myself to not overthinking, to try not to panic again. (Panic attack is painful I tell you). And I've been having panic attack for days now.

Yesterday morning, my husband was planning to go work by bike because he got an early meeting to catch. So after he got down, he called me while I was getting ready. He told me that his bike's carburetor got stolen. I was trying to be calm, and I do calm myself down. Still, the day doesnt seem to be shining bright on us. I mean, because I've been feeling down for weeks now and I dont talk much, I dont do much. I just focus on my life. And around after lunch, I went to perform ablution, when I got back, I got missed call from my husband, and a whatsapp text from him saying that our car battery got stolen too. Yea, two peas in a pod. Two disastrous things happens in less than half a day. Frankly speaking, WE ARE BROKE. Because our monthly expenses got a bit overboard with Harris's admitted, car broke down, all sorts of stuff. And my salary is due that night. I told my mom, she helped me a bit financially and our problems solved. I had panic attack later that evening. Again. My dad called me and ask me to solat sunat taubat and asar prayer to calm myself down.

These events rendered us speechless. We were lost of words. There's nothing we can say. Allah showed His power upon us when I am still at the verge of losing everything including my faith. We were overwhelmed but really, probably I needed that smack in the head just to get back to my senses.

I have so much to be grateful of but I decided not to. I question every single thing that I didnt get and ignored the fact that I have mostly everything. I have a husband, a family, a child, I have literally everything. So yea, we might be short of financially but there's never been a days that we dont have food on the table, no money to spare, no house to live in. We have almost everything and we have people that could help in doom days, but I choose not to be grateful about it. I choose to compare myself with people that have things that I want but Allah always knows, we may want it, but we dont need it. And they might have struggled a lot for it, but what I did is nothing to deserve it.

Yea, I needed it to put me back into my senses. Even with both incidents happening, we still afford to buy new ones, we still able to come back home safely, we still be able to put food on the table. Yea, I was actually overwhelmed and I hoped I never have to face such difficulties again.

Its still too early for me to say that I completely insaf. I am still at the phase of regaining strength, faith, and spirit. I was too broken that I was shivering when I tried sleeping. I cant sleep. I dont feel right at all. And I had panic attack for countless times last night. I've been having panic attack for days now. I tried controlling myself but it just come out of control.

This morning, I end up waking up quite late and I cried like mad lady that husband had to calm myself down. Things were out of my control. I am sleep deprived, panicking and I really dont know what to do. So right now, I am still feeling a bit unstable and I am trying to regain my strength.

A colleague told me this morning that her house got robbed too last night. And all her handbags gone, daughter's bag also gone, her house was trashed too. And today, she got to settle all her identification card, license, everything. I cant imagine myself being in her shoes now. I would've panicked. I mean, there's a lot need to be done. Renew IC, license, block all bank cards everything. May Allah ease everything for her.

You know, even in our worst state, I have never come into thinking to rob anything or steal anything. But why is this happening to me, I dont know. But my dad told me, when Allah take something from us, he's preparing to give a better thing to us. There's always a good reason for everything that happens. And I am trying to really really believe that. It's not easy to gain back whatever's lost. Especially faith, strength and all, but I am trying.

There's a lot of Allah's saying I could relate to what I'm experiencing now. And I guess, I always have to remind myself. 

Its a phase, and I will recover. The choices is up to myself. I will get better, in sha Allah. 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M.