Recovering

I know its been past weeks of breakdowns and horrible mental state and its not even my PMS period. I am trying to recover by stop questioning everything and finally deleted my twitter apps on my phone because I guess all those tweets and all are contributing to my anxiety attack. And lemme tell ya, my anxiety attack happens so regularly lately and even thinking of it makes me panic some more. So really, I am trying to recover and just take baby steps to calm myself down. I have yet to delete my account because I havent installed the apps at all after I deleted it. Its gonna take much courage to do so, so I guess it gotta wait.

I couldnt say I handled it well now, but I'm handling it better. Even sometimes, it gets too overwhelmed that I startled up few times in the middle of the night due to nightmares I end up crying. I shiver at odd times, even during hot weather. My heart pounds like its gonna beat its way out of my chest and I get speechless. Oh the pain. I really dont want to encounter that anymore. Well now, it comes and go but still there but I am recovering, in sha Allah.

And nope, I did not self-diagnosed and I dont think its some kind of illness. But its more to my faith and self-esteem that breaks my heart waaaaay too much that I find myself so hard to get back up again so I end up question everything and couldnt see the purpose of life.

I just dont smile like I used to do. I dont have that glow anymore. I guess, life gets into me that much that I couldnt control how it overwhelmed me. It has to change. Now or never. And pardon me if I would breakdown again and be too much impacted by it. I am easily torn apart and I wish I am much stronger.

I have so much to be grateful of and I gotta be reminded of it, every second because each moment counts. 

Not so skinny anymore, pimple partying on my face, double chin doubles up and maybe if I improve myself, I will get that glow back? I dont know, maybe. 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M. 

Of paper & crayons

Things were too overwhelming last night that I slept at nearly 4am and surprisingly, I am still wide awake now. I was having the worst night, I cried, I sobbed, I doodled, failed to read book, and cried again, and it calls for my mental breakdown medical kit. So I have this one kit, a box generally, a very cute box that contains all of my art things. My stamp pad, crayons, color pencils, gem stickers, thread, washi tapes and everything that makes me feel like decorating something. And the most easiest I would do is doodle and decorating my phone casing. Cute.

So I did all that, blogged, edited few photos, for my desktop wallpaper, phone wallpaper and few other stuffs. Basically just filling my time with arts. I mean, doing arts (eventhough I am not that much creative) makes me feel less anxious and makes me believe that I still have that cheeky cute factor lives deeeeeeeeeeeeeep inside of me instead of someone so bitter and beyond sad.

Yeap, I have quite a collection of crayons and pencil colors. But I hate water color because I suck at it. Even so, I wake up quite early, still reach late at the office (blehhhhh) & dont feel like talking at all. I had coffee and too lazy to do my work even though there's gazillion of things to do. I dont know, I was feeling demotivated and could not figure out the next step of my life, if there is. I hate my job. Of all the jobs in this world and no one would hire me huh.

Oh by the way, Harris eats a lot today and I'm so happy. Its because while in Johor, he's been eating a lot of junk food and denying rice and he never did that before. And today, finally, his appetite came back, alhamdulillah.

I came home feeling so tired but I went straight to the kitchen, clean the house, clear the mess, because a beautiful home gives me serenity, even just a gist of it. Little things that makes me happy.

Harris's asleep now so I guess its my turn anytime soon because I really need a good night's sleep after a short night nap and a long day. And I really hope I can sleep tonight because boy, I am tired.

I just hope I can clear my head because I am beyond sad, beyond overwhelmed. I am drowning in negativity and I dont see my way out of this. Yelp.

That swollen eyes and puffy cheeks. Just hoping I wont be crying my eyeballs out again tonight. Wasalam. Love, Nina M. 

1st Jan 2020

Nothing gives me much anxiety than being a year older. Nearly 30 and nowhere to begin. Nothing exciting to tell. Just me, my pessimism self and god knows what's inside my head and I had the worst couple of days and it aint ending yet. I cant sleep. I dont really care about new year's resolution because I never set myself a target or even thought myself would able to achieve something because blehhhh I'm just plain lazy and procrastinate and have this gigantic self doubt that literally explains what I am.

I just feel so heavy. I feel the most demotivated. I dont know. I just cant sleep.

I shut everyone off. I ignored calls from my family. I just simply dont feel like talking. Everything just feels so heavy and I've been crying my eyeballs out and I look so friggin' ugly. My lips chapped. I am torn apart. I feel so good shutting everyone off, I feel so good not talking, I feel so good being so down, I feel better just being down here. But at the same time, I want to rise, I want to do something, I want to be someone, I want to be motivated, I want to raise myself above, I want to explore what I am capable of.

BUT THEN

I realized, I cant, I'm useless. Its so hard and I'm torn. Apart. Like ripped apart. I am mentally drained. Physically fat with ugliness. Its just too much to bear. I spent days crying (still am), wondering why. And why. And why the fuck is why?! I'm pissed. Talking about being a mother, I shoved my son away. I yelled at everyone. I dont what to do. I DONT KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO. I'm lost.

Well, here's to another year full of shit and regrets before she turns 30.

Just something I edited for I dunno, because I used to love doodling. Bye.