Covid-19

Yea, I hated when things like this happens. Especially when people keep sharing how this is some biological weapons and how this is signs of apocalypse all sorts of stuffs. Things I avoided myself from reading because I know how it'll make me panic over things. Well, I've been panicking ever since January but I just calm myself down because everybody else told me its fine and I dont need to panic so much. And then, now everybody around me is panicking. But still in a controllable state, unlike me. So yea, I've taken few precautions before this cases goes haywire in Malaysia. I reduced our time out and spent time at home, especially when a toddler, you gotta start slow. Means you cant simply cage him at home, you gotta start with reducing out time, only for a stroll and reduced time at stores and explains to him why we gotta stay at home more often. And now, I guess Restricted Movement Order is enforced, I just gotta keep telling Harris that we gotta stay home and only my husband can go out to get supplies.

Just sharing our actions taken even before RMO was enforced.

1. Reduce stores time. Only taking Harris out for a stroll under our house and around our housing area.
2. Once coming home from work or other places, dont go and kiss Harris or each other.
3. Shower and wash all our clothes after going out especially in closed, air-conditioned area.
4. Bought hand sanitizer and sanitizing wipes and ensure all soaps is enough.
5. Ensure all of our basic necessities is in order.
6. Ensure all hands are sanitized once touching metal, door handles, lift buttons.
7. Wear masks in meetings and when unwell.
8. Drink vitamin C and plenty of water.
9. Always keep our necessities complete.

Since we've enforced this waaaay before RMO, I guess it gets easier to continue the routine. Or so I think.....

I panicked guys. During the time that people are panic buying due to maybe lockdown will be enforced, was actually the day that we should be getting our groceries (tell me about bad timing). And so, the stores are full. So after the announcement of RMO, my husband told me he's getting groceries after midnight, after Harris's asleep because he always wants to tag along. Thank god St Rosyam is open 24 hours. But of course, panic buying continues. I told my husband to only get what's necessary and urgent. Also because I did bought most of the soaps all sorts the day before, what's left is only lauk basah, beras & minyak masak. So I told him to get only that and few other stuffs such as yee mee (we always have this in our stock for lazy cooking nights). And probably get the lauk basah the day after. Because, its packed with people! Like packed pack! So of course, social distancing is important, I told him we'll get other things later. Just buy beras and minyak masak first.

Early in the morning around 4am, he went again and get all the things we wanted to get earlier. Alhamdulillah, the traffic was better, means social distancing still can be applied. That morning, my husband need to head for the office because he needs to set up server for company's laptop and he still needs to work from home. I dont need to because I'm not that important? And yea, I got unpaid leave guys. Sucks.

Anyways, 5 days of RMO and what breaks me is seeing Harris grabbing his shoes wanting to go for a walk and I'm feeling dreadful because I cant let him. Also the reasons why my husband went out grocery shopping in the early morning. We've been spending loads of time at the balcony, we had breakfast there, picnic there, just to get Harris some fresh air (thank god for balcony). I'm starting to feel so stuck, staying at home, but I'm too paranoid to take over grocery shopping.

Actually I just submitted my Post Module Assignments for Financial Analysis. I've been slacking and procrastinating over it and panicked for the past couple of hours of finalizing it because I have so much more left (padan muka diri sendiri) for that and now I'm blogging. Been ditching my skincare routines for days now and pimples partying yay.....

I have seven more days before I need to submit my research methodology reports which is due 30th March 2020. So I gotta get going starting tonight. Might not sleep tonight, or might because I've been spending my day doing assignments and I need rest probably. However, given that I've been slacking and being couch potato, I deserve a night where I should focus and not let anything distract me! Goshhh I'm so easily distracted.

5 days of RMO and 9 more days to go. Good luck guys and be safe!


Wasalam. Love, Nina M.

Blessed

Recent weeks of so many people losing their loved ones really gave me a lesson. A blessing in disguise would be unfair to say but I guess it opens my eyes to see and appreciate more of what I have in front of me than to dwell for things that wasn't meant for me.



My husband has never been so supportive ever. Or he always has been (but I'm too blinded with those dream husband kinda post) but really, he's helped me so much with chores, helped me with my assignments, and helped taking care of Harris while I'm not feeling myself or down and comforts me most of the time. And really, we rarely fights. Even if there is, we would just laugh it out. I am just truly blessed.

And right now, here I am in front of my laptop, preparing my slides and reports that are due TODAY and I'm still working on it. I dont know. My days of procrastinating has been bad and I cant seem to focus and keep myself focused. I feel like I'm not putting much effort and I hate for doing so. And I know, I might not get 4.0 this semester just like last semester (oh what a shocker I got 4.0!) but I'll just try and try to give my best.

After so long overdue, I finally went to the saloon and get myself a haircut. Ahhhh, it feels awesome. I think the last time I went for a haircut was like, 5 months ago? Yea, that long. And my hair grows so fast. My early year 2020 was full with classes. I had 4 weekends full of classes and now I'm on my chill weekend for 2 weeks and then I'm back to my tight schedules. But I dont know maybe next week classes will be canceled, due to covid-19. I cant tell because the ministry is still assessing the situation and everyday would have different decisions from the government but I pray for this crucial times will end soon. Aminnnn

Harris is officially a becok! He talks a lot. I guess he gets that from me. But all his complaining and sighing, definitely from the father. Hahaha. So his days of following pursuit of whatever we did upgraded to whatever we speak of. So gotta be careful of whatever comes out from our mouth ya. My baby is so cute. Just like mummy.

And since he's over 2 years old now, I started weaning him off. And yea, it was hard. He never wanted milk bottle if I'm around (except in Kak Na's house), but persuading him takes a lot of effort. Alhamdulillah, we finally did it. And I've reduced his breastfeeding time to only once! So he takes his milk bottle twice a day, sometimes thrice, 7 ounce and he sleeps on his own. I mean, just give him a cuddle and he's out! Goshh, my big baby is big. 

Okay, gotta continue doing my reports now. Bye bye! Wasalam. Love, Nina M. 

Recovering

I know its been past weeks of breakdowns and horrible mental state and its not even my PMS period. I am trying to recover by stop questioning everything and finally deleted my twitter apps on my phone because I guess all those tweets and all are contributing to my anxiety attack. And lemme tell ya, my anxiety attack happens so regularly lately and even thinking of it makes me panic some more. So really, I am trying to recover and just take baby steps to calm myself down. I have yet to delete my account because I havent installed the apps at all after I deleted it. Its gonna take much courage to do so, so I guess it gotta wait.

I couldnt say I handled it well now, but I'm handling it better. Even sometimes, it gets too overwhelmed that I startled up few times in the middle of the night due to nightmares I end up crying. I shiver at odd times, even during hot weather. My heart pounds like its gonna beat its way out of my chest and I get speechless. Oh the pain. I really dont want to encounter that anymore. Well now, it comes and go but still there but I am recovering, in sha Allah.

And nope, I did not self-diagnosed and I dont think its some kind of illness. But its more to my faith and self-esteem that breaks my heart waaaaay too much that I find myself so hard to get back up again so I end up question everything and couldnt see the purpose of life.

I just dont smile like I used to do. I dont have that glow anymore. I guess, life gets into me that much that I couldnt control how it overwhelmed me. It has to change. Now or never. And pardon me if I would breakdown again and be too much impacted by it. I am easily torn apart and I wish I am much stronger.

I have so much to be grateful of and I gotta be reminded of it, every second because each moment counts. 

Not so skinny anymore, pimple partying on my face, double chin doubles up and maybe if I improve myself, I will get that glow back? I dont know, maybe. 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M. 

Of paper & crayons

Things were too overwhelming last night that I slept at nearly 4am and surprisingly, I am still wide awake now. I was having the worst night, I cried, I sobbed, I doodled, failed to read book, and cried again, and it calls for my mental breakdown medical kit. So I have this one kit, a box generally, a very cute box that contains all of my art things. My stamp pad, crayons, color pencils, gem stickers, thread, washi tapes and everything that makes me feel like decorating something. And the most easiest I would do is doodle and decorating my phone casing. Cute.

So I did all that, blogged, edited few photos, for my desktop wallpaper, phone wallpaper and few other stuffs. Basically just filling my time with arts. I mean, doing arts (eventhough I am not that much creative) makes me feel less anxious and makes me believe that I still have that cheeky cute factor lives deeeeeeeeeeeeeep inside of me instead of someone so bitter and beyond sad.

Yeap, I have quite a collection of crayons and pencil colors. But I hate water color because I suck at it. Even so, I wake up quite early, still reach late at the office (blehhhhh) & dont feel like talking at all. I had coffee and too lazy to do my work even though there's gazillion of things to do. I dont know, I was feeling demotivated and could not figure out the next step of my life, if there is. I hate my job. Of all the jobs in this world and no one would hire me huh.

Oh by the way, Harris eats a lot today and I'm so happy. Its because while in Johor, he's been eating a lot of junk food and denying rice and he never did that before. And today, finally, his appetite came back, alhamdulillah.

I came home feeling so tired but I went straight to the kitchen, clean the house, clear the mess, because a beautiful home gives me serenity, even just a gist of it. Little things that makes me happy.

Harris's asleep now so I guess its my turn anytime soon because I really need a good night's sleep after a short night nap and a long day. And I really hope I can sleep tonight because boy, I am tired.

I just hope I can clear my head because I am beyond sad, beyond overwhelmed. I am drowning in negativity and I dont see my way out of this. Yelp.

That swollen eyes and puffy cheeks. Just hoping I wont be crying my eyeballs out again tonight. Wasalam. Love, Nina M. 

1st Jan 2020

Nothing gives me much anxiety than being a year older. Nearly 30 and nowhere to begin. Nothing exciting to tell. Just me, my pessimism self and god knows what's inside my head and I had the worst couple of days and it aint ending yet. I cant sleep. I dont really care about new year's resolution because I never set myself a target or even thought myself would able to achieve something because blehhhh I'm just plain lazy and procrastinate and have this gigantic self doubt that literally explains what I am.

I just feel so heavy. I feel the most demotivated. I dont know. I just cant sleep.

I shut everyone off. I ignored calls from my family. I just simply dont feel like talking. Everything just feels so heavy and I've been crying my eyeballs out and I look so friggin' ugly. My lips chapped. I am torn apart. I feel so good shutting everyone off, I feel so good not talking, I feel so good being so down, I feel better just being down here. But at the same time, I want to rise, I want to do something, I want to be someone, I want to be motivated, I want to raise myself above, I want to explore what I am capable of.

BUT THEN

I realized, I cant, I'm useless. Its so hard and I'm torn. Apart. Like ripped apart. I am mentally drained. Physically fat with ugliness. Its just too much to bear. I spent days crying (still am), wondering why. And why. And why the fuck is why?! I'm pissed. Talking about being a mother, I shoved my son away. I yelled at everyone. I dont what to do. I DONT KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO. I'm lost.

Well, here's to another year full of shit and regrets before she turns 30.

Just something I edited for I dunno, because I used to love doodling. Bye.