Recovering

I know its been past weeks of breakdowns and horrible mental state and its not even my PMS period. I am trying to recover by stop questioning everything and finally deleted my twitter apps on my phone because I guess all those tweets and all are contributing to my anxiety attack. And lemme tell ya, my anxiety attack happens so regularly lately and even thinking of it makes me panic some more. So really, I am trying to recover and just take baby steps to calm myself down. I have yet to delete my account because I havent installed the apps at all after I deleted it. Its gonna take much courage to do so, so I guess it gotta wait.

I couldnt say I handled it well now, but I'm handling it better. Even sometimes, it gets too overwhelmed that I startled up few times in the middle of the night due to nightmares I end up crying. I shiver at odd times, even during hot weather. My heart pounds like its gonna beat its way out of my chest and I get speechless. Oh the pain. I really dont want to encounter that anymore. Well now, it comes and go but still there but I am recovering, in sha Allah.

And nope, I did not self-diagnosed and I dont think its some kind of illness. But its more to my faith and self-esteem that breaks my heart waaaaay too much that I find myself so hard to get back up again so I end up question everything and couldnt see the purpose of life.

I just dont smile like I used to do. I dont have that glow anymore. I guess, life gets into me that much that I couldnt control how it overwhelmed me. It has to change. Now or never. And pardon me if I would breakdown again and be too much impacted by it. I am easily torn apart and I wish I am much stronger.

I have so much to be grateful of and I gotta be reminded of it, every second because each moment counts. 

Not so skinny anymore, pimple partying on my face, double chin doubles up and maybe if I improve myself, I will get that glow back? I dont know, maybe. 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M.