1st Jan 2020

Nothing gives me much anxiety than being a year older. Nearly 30 and nowhere to begin. Nothing exciting to tell. Just me, my pessimism self and god knows what's inside my head and I had the worst couple of days and it aint ending yet. I cant sleep. I dont really care about new year's resolution because I never set myself a target or even thought myself would able to achieve something because blehhhh I'm just plain lazy and procrastinate and have this gigantic self doubt that literally explains what I am.

I just feel so heavy. I feel the most demotivated. I dont know. I just cant sleep.

I shut everyone off. I ignored calls from my family. I just simply dont feel like talking. Everything just feels so heavy and I've been crying my eyeballs out and I look so friggin' ugly. My lips chapped. I am torn apart. I feel so good shutting everyone off, I feel so good not talking, I feel so good being so down, I feel better just being down here. But at the same time, I want to rise, I want to do something, I want to be someone, I want to be motivated, I want to raise myself above, I want to explore what I am capable of.

BUT THEN

I realized, I cant, I'm useless. Its so hard and I'm torn. Apart. Like ripped apart. I am mentally drained. Physically fat with ugliness. Its just too much to bear. I spent days crying (still am), wondering why. And why. And why the fuck is why?! I'm pissed. Talking about being a mother, I shoved my son away. I yelled at everyone. I dont what to do. I DONT KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO. I'm lost.

Well, here's to another year full of shit and regrets before she turns 30.

Just something I edited for I dunno, because I used to love doodling. Bye.