Subjective.

I admit, I was a horrible person before. Always questions people's rezeki, advantages & their ways of handling obstacles, hurdles whatnot. After I got pregnant, I had quite terrible sickness and I started to realize that even if our obstacles seems similar, doesnt mean we have similar ways of encountering it. Example; by means that, if me and some other pregnant girl experience sickness, but I can handle it better than her, I cant simply say that, "eh this girl cant even handle sickness. I can, why cant she?"

God forbid!

Subjective. We all have our ways and different people have different pain threshold. You cant expect all the same. Maybe I have higher pain threshold and that girl aint. And maybe she have other sickness like low hb, low bp etc that weakens her even more.

Like I said, example.

So previously I always question why ahh this girl cant even go to work while pregnant, why ah this girl cant even be grateful that you dont work that hard but still weak and yada yada yada yada. Damn, I was cruel. But then I come to realize that, it's all subjective. How so? When I was in labor, the pain was excruciating and I had to take epidural because I couldnt handle the pain. I am scared that people might see me as a weak person. Because I cant even handle labor pain, I mean because other people do. My mom did, all 7 children! And that's when I come to realize that I am scared because I always judge people that do. I mean, I dont directly judge people who take epidural, but generally, I judge people. And I am so scared of people judging me.

Since then, I always remind myself and husband that we all may experience the same obstacles, but if we can, doesnt mean they can too. I mean, of course they can, eventually, but not in the same way we did, probably with a bit of help.

Similarly, I handled labor pain, but with a bit of help from epidural. Other people might handle labor pain with normal painkiller or no painkiller at all. I needed a bigger kick of help.

My point is, dont judge people just because they have their ways of handling things. Guidance and telling people what to do is a two different things. When they ask for advice, you dont tell them what to do, you guide them of what's best to do. Because probably our ways of doing doesnt suit them, so we let them decide by guiding and enlighten them on the consequences and whatnot.

Just because they dont follow directly what you said, doesnt mean that their ways is wrong. Give space for learning.

Just because you have a lot of children, doesnt mean that we need to have a lot of children to learn about life. No. Some people learn so much from one children. Some people learn from a lot of children. Dont equalize everyone. Just because you learn it the hard way, you expect everyone to. No.

I know that whatever I'm experiencing now is kifarah from my previous wrongdoings to other people, I know. And I am facing it. But its also my responsibilities to educate others about it too.

And I hope this phase will end soon.

Wasalam. Love, Nina M. ♥

My life.

I guess I need to be lighten up on the fact that I am now a mother, working full time as M&E Engineer and goshhhh help I just need to know how to move forward with my life. I want to be inspired and inspire people. I want to do something special, be special, I mean be something. You feel me??

How shall I explain? Because I also cant seem to decipher this wants or needs or whatsoever it is. I am at a point where I feel I want to do something, be something. Get it? 

But I know I have to start by appreciating whatever I have now and take good care of it. I mean, how can people see me as worthy when I dont even worth myself? 

So I listed few items that I need to do in order to move step further. 

1. Be presentable in every occasion. Be it going to work, even going to the supermarket, BE PRESENTABLE. Simple & sloppy is different. Simple means wearing simple clothes but look presentable & prepared. Sloppy means sloppy of course. This includes attire, face, shoes & everything!

2. Stop procrastinating. This means go home, be productive, do all chores and finish everything later in the night or early morning. No more scrolling down twitter while eating, breast pumping, or anything. Keep everything going and get a good night rest. 

3. Keep updating your resume! I've been procrastinating on updating my resume when I know I should go further in my work field. And due to my TOO OUTDATED resume, I can no longer only update, but to create new one. 

4. Hygiene first. Means, cut the nails, keep face, hands, body clean, every single time. This includes work place, home, room and everything clean! 

5. Take good care of my skin. Its bad because I am having this purging phase where I implemented acids in my skincare routine and pimples are partying at the normal part on my face. This is normal. What isnt is when pimples go up at unlikely places, which they call breakout. I hope this phase will end soon.

6. Last but not least. ISTIQAMAH. Means be determine in whatever we do. 

This is hard, I know but its a MUST. Wish me luck! 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M. ♥ 

Second day of raya.

On 2nd day of raya, early in the morning, after we bathe, we went straight to Klang. My parents and few of my siblings spent the night there (the usual yearly routine). We arrived there quite early and just in time for breakfast and I've always loved the usual morning scene at my kampung. And so I urge husband to get ready early so I could enjoy the scene. 

I guess more photos then? But sadly this year atok was very unwell so we dont have our yearly photos with our cousins, uncles & aunties in front of my grandparent's house. Its saddd because atok seems very weak but the plans need to go on, round raya with dad's relatives. Atok and nenek always have guests so every year they dont tag along with us for raya. Just stay home, having guests. 

So I guess there's not much photos. Harris was also taking his nap during their photoshoot around my grandparent's house so I kinda missed that out. 

So cute, my parents. Now I know where I get all these cuteness from. 

I did my make up in a dark room, hence the messed up eye shadows. I really dont know how to make up hence this one my baby sister did a bit of touch up of my terrible face make up. And I dont know why I look super weird with that tudung. 

A potrait photo of us. On 2nd day of raya, we go all shades of green. 

After all the raya, all the foods, feeling so full, we went back to our grandparent's house and get ready to go home. As for us, we went straight to Johor Bahru to raya with my parents in law. Hence, all with shirt on already. Hahaha. 

One of the ways to make Harris smile for the camera is to put Zira (Asu) as the photographer. 

The girls of Mufid's family. 

Along missed out in this photo. The girls (including menantu) of Mufid's family. 

In Johor Bahru, we didnt go round for raya pun because my parents in law already went around relatives house on 1st and 2nd raya. We went to Kluang to raya at Kakak's parents in law's house. And we went straight to Mak Ngah's house also known as my husband's mak angkat. And after that we went to Mat's house because he recently became a father and the place is near Mak Ngah's house. But too bad, no photos at all. Gahhhh. And also the fact that on our way to JB, faiz, my brother in law got into an accident with a cow. Broke his arm, spend a night at the hospital. 

No photos at all. 

So I guess that's pretty much the summary of our raya. Will update on open house in another post, in sha Allah. 

Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir & Batin. 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M. ♥ 

First raya with Harris

I know, I know, the long overdue post. I mean, we're so happy. Its our first raya with Harris and even before I could collect myself, slap myself & get a grip, things has been so overwhelming for us, both positively and negatively. I mean, the time has been so fast and one adventure after another, handling a baby at the same time, really guys, it aint easy (truly an experience of a first time mother).

So on our first raya, for this year, all the Kajang's family (my mom's side) will gather at our place. I woke up early, getting everything ready for my little family and family. Clean the house, kitchen, prepare the food and everything so my husband and brothers could have their breakfast once returning from the mosque. Alhamdulillah, during that time, Harris was sleeping so I manage to accomplished most chores (I work fast, I tell you).

I prepared husband's clothes, Harris's clothes, for us to bring for raya and everything. Its our first raya together Harris. I want him to know and feel the joy of Aidilfitri. So while waiting for our relatives to come, we had our usual raya routine. Bersalam-salaman & bermaaf-maafan. This year we manage to give everyone duit raya, alhamdulillah. And of course, photos time!

During the salam-salam, Harris was already so sleepy because its his nap time already, so its quite hard to get him to smile for photos. Hence, the our little family photos, with Harris sleeping. Remember I said about wanting to go for blue or yellow theme this year? Well, purple & pink are always so mesmerizing. Still wonder why I have so much of that color though. Hahaha. And I decided to go bold this year on my lipstick. I bought a purple colored Maybelline lipstick. Its my first time rocking such color, but I'm liking it. 

For this year, everybody raya KL. So full house! Alhamdulillah :)

Sorry for the low quality photo though. Its also hard to get everybody posing for a photo nicely. 

We also had our photo session at the back of our house. Its full of green and its time to make full use of husband's iPhone 8plus potrait features. 

Harris was already awake from his power nap at this time. 

Azim & Fit 

Zira noobies. 

Alang & Iffah 

Forever the prettiest in the family. Kah! (I mean, me)

Nizam & Ida 

The forever the loveliest. 

And this was when all the boys & men are away for Jumaat prayer, so we girls had a big selfie. After that, we got ready to go raya at Pak Long's house (mom's brother) and later in the evening, we went straight to Kg Klang. I really need to do another post for each raya. I know. Last year I did though and where do I even find the strong will...

So I guess that pretty much sums up our first day of raya and its Harris's first raya! I hope I have the will to blog about everything too. I mean, literally EVE-RY-THING.

Wasalam. Love, Nina M.

Tired.

I am fucking tired. I swear to god I am just so tired of people that simply can judge my life. I dont know whether these people understands what SUBJECTIVE means. No, I wont elaborate but see the example.

MY HUSBAND THINKS IM PRETTY. SOME PEOPLE THINK IM UGLY. IT IS SUBJECTIVE. TO MY HUSBAND EYES, IM SO PRETTY.

Get it?

Dont validate someone's struggle. Just because you work 6 days a week, 8-5 everyday, you can simply say, 'ala this person works 5 days only, how can dia penat?'

To that person, maybe working 5 days is already tiring for them. Dont simply say they cant feel tired just because they dont have longer working hours like you. Dont say they cant feel tired just because they have no child and you have one. Dont! I swear to God JUST DONT. Different people have different pain threshold, different tolerant, different sensitivity. Dont validate other people's struggles wey. Please.

I am so tired of having to validate myself over things just because people see at the surface of it. Do I have to tell the entire world of my struggle? My obligations? My obstacles???? And of course if I do, "ala semua org pun keje, semua org pun ada struggle masing-masing."

If I can understand all of you guys, why not we all be so understanding towards each other???? I am so tired wey. And dont simply judge things on what you see and what you heard from one side. See things in a bigger view please. Please please please.

I believe Tuhan tu maha adil and I have to be patient. I know. I have to be patient. But when things starting to effect my family, my son, how can I be quiet? My husband and I are the kind that only will keep things quiet. But when things seems to be out of hand, we know there's thing we have to do.

I dont know. I am praying to Allah that whatever is happening, the truth will prevail. In sha Allah.

Wasalam. Love, Nina M.