Recovering

I know its been past weeks of breakdowns and horrible mental state and its not even my PMS period. I am trying to recover by stop questioning everything and finally deleted my twitter apps on my phone because I guess all those tweets and all are contributing to my anxiety attack. And lemme tell ya, my anxiety attack happens so regularly lately and even thinking of it makes me panic some more. So really, I am trying to recover and just take baby steps to calm myself down. I have yet to delete my account because I havent installed the apps at all after I deleted it. Its gonna take much courage to do so, so I guess it gotta wait.

I couldnt say I handled it well now, but I'm handling it better. Even sometimes, it gets too overwhelmed that I startled up few times in the middle of the night due to nightmares I end up crying. I shiver at odd times, even during hot weather. My heart pounds like its gonna beat its way out of my chest and I get speechless. Oh the pain. I really dont want to encounter that anymore. Well now, it comes and go but still there but I am recovering, in sha Allah.

And nope, I did not self-diagnosed and I dont think its some kind of illness. But its more to my faith and self-esteem that breaks my heart waaaaay too much that I find myself so hard to get back up again so I end up question everything and couldnt see the purpose of life.

I just dont smile like I used to do. I dont have that glow anymore. I guess, life gets into me that much that I couldnt control how it overwhelmed me. It has to change. Now or never. And pardon me if I would breakdown again and be too much impacted by it. I am easily torn apart and I wish I am much stronger.

I have so much to be grateful of and I gotta be reminded of it, every second because each moment counts. 

Not so skinny anymore, pimple partying on my face, double chin doubles up and maybe if I improve myself, I will get that glow back? I dont know, maybe. 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M. 

Of paper & crayons

Things were too overwhelming last night that I slept at nearly 4am and surprisingly, I am still wide awake now. I was having the worst night, I cried, I sobbed, I doodled, failed to read book, and cried again, and it calls for my mental breakdown medical kit. So I have this one kit, a box generally, a very cute box that contains all of my art things. My stamp pad, crayons, color pencils, gem stickers, thread, washi tapes and everything that makes me feel like decorating something. And the most easiest I would do is doodle and decorating my phone casing. Cute.

So I did all that, blogged, edited few photos, for my desktop wallpaper, phone wallpaper and few other stuffs. Basically just filling my time with arts. I mean, doing arts (eventhough I am not that much creative) makes me feel less anxious and makes me believe that I still have that cheeky cute factor lives deeeeeeeeeeeeeep inside of me instead of someone so bitter and beyond sad.

Yeap, I have quite a collection of crayons and pencil colors. But I hate water color because I suck at it. Even so, I wake up quite early, still reach late at the office (blehhhhh) & dont feel like talking at all. I had coffee and too lazy to do my work even though there's gazillion of things to do. I dont know, I was feeling demotivated and could not figure out the next step of my life, if there is. I hate my job. Of all the jobs in this world and no one would hire me huh.

Oh by the way, Harris eats a lot today and I'm so happy. Its because while in Johor, he's been eating a lot of junk food and denying rice and he never did that before. And today, finally, his appetite came back, alhamdulillah.

I came home feeling so tired but I went straight to the kitchen, clean the house, clear the mess, because a beautiful home gives me serenity, even just a gist of it. Little things that makes me happy.

Harris's asleep now so I guess its my turn anytime soon because I really need a good night's sleep after a short night nap and a long day. And I really hope I can sleep tonight because boy, I am tired.

I just hope I can clear my head because I am beyond sad, beyond overwhelmed. I am drowning in negativity and I dont see my way out of this. Yelp.

That swollen eyes and puffy cheeks. Just hoping I wont be crying my eyeballs out again tonight. Wasalam. Love, Nina M. 

1st Jan 2020

Nothing gives me much anxiety than being a year older. Nearly 30 and nowhere to begin. Nothing exciting to tell. Just me, my pessimism self and god knows what's inside my head and I had the worst couple of days and it aint ending yet. I cant sleep. I dont really care about new year's resolution because I never set myself a target or even thought myself would able to achieve something because blehhhh I'm just plain lazy and procrastinate and have this gigantic self doubt that literally explains what I am.

I just feel so heavy. I feel the most demotivated. I dont know. I just cant sleep.

I shut everyone off. I ignored calls from my family. I just simply dont feel like talking. Everything just feels so heavy and I've been crying my eyeballs out and I look so friggin' ugly. My lips chapped. I am torn apart. I feel so good shutting everyone off, I feel so good not talking, I feel so good being so down, I feel better just being down here. But at the same time, I want to rise, I want to do something, I want to be someone, I want to be motivated, I want to raise myself above, I want to explore what I am capable of.

BUT THEN

I realized, I cant, I'm useless. Its so hard and I'm torn. Apart. Like ripped apart. I am mentally drained. Physically fat with ugliness. Its just too much to bear. I spent days crying (still am), wondering why. And why. And why the fuck is why?! I'm pissed. Talking about being a mother, I shoved my son away. I yelled at everyone. I dont what to do. I DONT KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO. I'm lost.

Well, here's to another year full of shit and regrets before she turns 30.

Just something I edited for I dunno, because I used to love doodling. Bye.

Johor Bahru

This is the first selfie for the both of us we had in..... ages. Its been so long. We both been very occupied with work and just rarely had time for us.

Yea, its been 6 days here in Johor Bahru, been here since Sunday, I took a week leave because its been like almost a year that we went back here because I was well occupied with classes and husband's busy with work. Now that my semester ends, (still keeping up with my PMA due 30/12/2019) which I have yet to finish because I have like 3000 words to write and 7 more references paper to read, husband promised we'll take turns taking care of Harris if he wants to stay here longer. Because I need to focus on completing my final paper for this semester. This is insane but really, that's how taking masters is then. So my decision of bringing the laptop here was a very good decision. Because I completed my strategic management PMA before coming here and I wasnt going through my Maintenance Management yet because I thought maybe the PMA would due somewhere around next year. HOWEVER, I checked and its due is 30/12/2019. Alhamdullillah, I managed to knock my head into senses and check and start doing it. And husband get to stay here longer.

But its just plain laziness and procrastination that I always had in me, it took me 2 days to actually start on writing. Because I've completely no idea. Its so hard. Most of the subjects and implementation to my work is quite unrelated. I mean, its related somehow but I've never been directly involved in it. Its also more or less something like bau-bau bacang. Its somehow related but somehow in a very mini scale. So correlating it with my current job is quite as hard as writing it. But really, I need to push myself to the very limit because its due in 3 days and I'm still way behind.

Anyway, since I've been to malls like ages ago, we went to Toppen/Ikea Tebrau yesterday. Well, the plan was buying things for my new niece that was born 10 days ago and after that I also got few shirts for Harris and my nieces at home because I dont know, baby girl's outfit are too dreamy, yea? I am much in love with so many cute outfits and pastel colors for the babies and toddlers. Goshhh. I have to make one. 

And after that, I went blouse hunting because I dont have any decent blouse or shirts to wear. I was attracted to this one blouse but I didnt get it. And y'know what I got, a flats. From NOSE. Which obviously I dont need since we dont have enough space to put shoes anymore. Because husband and Harris got loads too so... But I got it anyway. For RM29.70!! Damn cheap, right? Its peach color too! I dont know what it is with peach color but its so adorable! 

Originally, I was looking for size 41 for this particular design due to my large and wide feet, HOWEVER they only have size 40 and god knows why, IT FITS PERFECTLY. Ahhh we're just meant to be together. And so, I bought it, tadaaaa! Given that I just purchased a shoe online, this is not a good purchase, for now. But I'm not regretting it. Hahahaha.

And this little fella, kinda our only son now. I'm just too scared of giving birth again. 

Anyways, just updating that we're still here in JB and probably going back tomorrow because I have assignment to complete. And I made a target to complete at least 10 pages here so I can continue like 10 more pages at home. I hope? But I just want to go out and shopping some more. Because I have like many things at home that NEEDS buying. Instead of shoes and blouse and all. Ha-ha. 

Okay, I'm blogging this because I'm at home with mak and kakak and few of husband's sibling while most of them are out and about. Harris tagged along with husband taking car for car wash and me vowing to complete at least 5 pages, by tonight. 

Okay bye. Wasalam. Love, Nina M. 

Hectic week and never ending.

My hectic weeks (for almost a month) starts with Harris catching cold and got high fever. Due to that, I took 2 days of emergency leave, then I had my weekends class so I had no time to rest. I took naps during the nights, sponging Harris, feeding him meds, putting him back to bed, so I had no rest that week. I attended weekend class with flu and was drowsy with panadol (because I had to). So the next Monday, I took MC because I couldnt take it anymore. On the same day, husband snapped his back (again), and he went to see the doctor and he got MC and referral letter as well. His slip disc hit back. Once he's done getting his GL, its time for his hospital visit. So yea, both down and I have to take charge of Harris fully because my husband couldnt do all the heavy works including taking care of Harris. So still not fully recover with flu, I had another weekend class so my hands were full. Thankfully I can still send Harris to Kakna and my mom and sisters willingly to take care of Harris.

The next Monday, which was earlier this week, that night my husband's condition was very bad so I took another emergency leave that day to drive him to the hospital. Two days at work, I had period pain yesterday, so I took MC again. And here I am, at work, still not fully recover. Kakna could not take care of Harris today so thankfully I am able to drop Harris at my mom's because Zira's done with SPM. And for that I am grateful. 

Currently, we only have on transport which is my car. Oh ya, my husband's bike was nearly stolen that one night and so we parked it temporarily at my parents house until we could fund the repair. Yea, its been months of tight budgets and no shopping except for things necessary. Plus, I've been so busy with work, study and we barely had time with Harris so we kinda prefer spending time at the park or home chilling together.

Its insane how my weekend's filled with classes and assignments piled up and at this very hour, I am still wide awake because I need to wrap up my Post Module Assessment that is due on Monday and which means I have to get it all done by tomorrow. So I'm just gonna finish babbling and get on my assessment. I have to submit it thru turnitin and attach it in my PMA as well so I'm hoping I will get lower than 20% so I would not have to do any amendments.

I need my coffee.

Wasalam. Love, Nina M.