Aesthetic living .....NOT

There are so much things I want in life. And that includes creating contents for my blog, and probably start a youtube channel and post aesthetic things. But really, all I want is to be able to decorate my house as pleasing as I want it to be. But I guess its too hard because I tend to just impulsively buy things and just decorate as it is. I am not good at actually making changes. I just follow with whatever existing things and go on with it. It's super boring. 

I've been seeing reels of many shopee hauls, people rearranging their pantry, study desk whatnot, and its just so pleasing. It makes me jealous. But a good kind of jealous, since it motivates me to be better, to clean better. 

I deferred one semester and means I am not graduating this year. Sad but its what I have to do, with pregnancy, confinement and all. Unexpected are expected to come. I've been leaving my thesis for quite a while now and I really need to pick where I left it off. Physically and in my brain as well. Its been months and I should really start writing at least one page a day and really devote myself to it before semester starts and I can focus on having a chillax semester. My supervisor has been asking me quite many times to tell that he's available for any discussion but my lazy ass just keeps delaying. 

I think now is a very good time to continue because MCO seems to be never-ending and I ran out of things to do when its night time. It's getting sickly boring and mentally overwhelming but I am glad that we are still safe from the virus. The delta variant is spreading and seems nowhere near of stopping. 

Speaking of which, I finally got my vaccination date! I am not sure of what vaccine I will get since I am breastfeeding mother to a 2 months old baby, but recent updates saying all vaccines are suitable. I am more scared of the side effects though. 

Tomorrow is Hari Raya Aidiladha. Another raya without my grandpa, and my relatives, my family, my siblings. Just the four of us. Still, the 2nd raya for Hannah and we should be celebrating! 

I have no mood to masak-masak for raya though. Today is hari arafah and all deeds for today is counted as double. I am not able to puasa though, since I am breastfeeding but there are many good deeds for me to do. Zikir a lots and maintain all good mood for the whole day! 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M. 

As Malaysian

I am deeply frustrated to see the numbers yesterday which we already surpasses not only 10k, but 11k mark on daily Covid-19 cases. But I believe, its for the best since they are doing mass screening and hopefully they can control the cases and spreading of the virus and finally taking states by states to another phase towards recovering, in sha Allah. Malaysians are truly sensitive nowadays, including myself. Anxiety among citizens and we are just beyond speechless. Other countries are moving forward and we are still amidst of recovering but seems waaaay behind. Sudden surges of so-called-not-anti-vaccines, just anti-covid-vaccines are causing me having some sort of anxiety rising and I am trying my best to pull myself together and calm down. And I am sure this happens to most people too. I mean, uncertainty is killing us softly and I know we have to rely on Allah SWT and believe that all these happens with Him knowing the best. 

Me myself still needs some support and guidance because sometimes I find myself astray and needing to be back on track. But really, at times, I just want things to end. 

Everyday, I am taking a step forward, trying to live each day. For the sake of my little family, and also because these kids are my responsibilities and we as a parents need to guide them. But in order for us to guide them, we must be a good guidance and seek for help in order to make ourselves a better parents. 

I am trying to see the positive in my everyday life. But being a pessimistic person myself, current situation is just feeding into my negativity and I find it so hard to convert everything to positivity. 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M. 

DAY ROUTINE

Woke up in the morning quite late jussst because. Also because we're sleeping late because lockdowns just ruins adult and kids sleeping schedules. We have so little things that tires us out and we are just not sleepy enough to be in bed early. 

We would have brunch with whatever we have in the fridge or in the snack trolley. Sometimes I will cook for brunch or sometimes I dont. We would spend hours just doing chores, then Harris's class at 11am. Then we would arrange ourselves for shower including Hannah since she wakes up quite late too. 

Then I'll prep for late lunch. Sometimes we just arrange delivery, sometimes I cook. It depends on my mood and I am moody most of the time. Sigh. My mood swings really bad lately and I am always feeling on the edge and becomes easily pissed. Talking to Hannah comforts me at times but really I just keep myself busy playing games because its just easier. *cough* bad mother *cough*

On days I couldnt handle Harris, husband would fully take over but we both gets mad at him most of the time but husband's much tougher than me. Who can blame him, he needs outdoor. We all do. Being in this state reminds me of something that I wish I would never have to go thru. But im just gonna let it slip because my mental health is depleting. 

Late lunch would also means we all eats a meal like twice a day only and we would be starving at night. Which means late night snacking. So unhealthy. Late night snacking keep us awake until late and the cycle continues. 

My sanity is running low and I really dunno how long I can keep up with this. I need a job, seriously. But not during lockdowns of course. I cant handle another work from home. We both cant. I have another semester to go and im nowhere near in completing my thesis because being a housewife is consuming most of my time and energy. 

Seeing the number of covid cases rising is really a pain in the ass but I have to believe there will be rainbow after the storm, in sha Allah. We all have to go thru the bad before getting the good. We all just have to believe and have faith in Allah's plan. 

I pray we all would stay healthy in the time of pandemic and able to survive with whatever we have left. Tough days but brighter days will come knocking in sha Allah. 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M. 

Lockdown in bulletpoints

Toddler's tantrum - lack of outdoor session for Harris is really taking its toll on him. He's often cranky, acting up and needs extra attention. It's hard for us parents because husband is busy working from home and me, adjusting to having two kids and juggling chores and all. Which I am also grateful for husband for helping me so much. 

Harris's online class - Even with physical class, Harris didnt really pay 100% of his attention, let alone online class. Even for only half an hour, it is so hard to keep him on the chair, being attentive to his teacher. Keeping Harris on the chair while holding Hannah is really a challenge for me. Especially when husband is busy. 

Activities - we totally ran out of activities to do. Seriously though. I've bought many montessori activity kit just to keep Harris busy and avoid him from being on the phone too much but really, how much can that do when all he need is to run outdoor freely.

My mental health - husband is either so busy with his work or entertaining Harris that happens to be wanting full attention to him. Lockdown & having new siblings in his life puts him in that position though and what choices do I have *cries*. I need someone to talk to and something to do. Well, of course I have things to do but I guess I am just bored. 

We are seriously so sick of lockdowns. It's like they are beating around the bush and we citizens are badly affected. All those main causes for thousand of cases daily are still allowed to operate and so why lockdown does even matter anywayyy. I am nothing against the government though but I seriously believe that they can think of better way to control this. 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M.

My days in bullet points

• My study room - I finally unpacked the last boxes of my things which should've been done two years ago and declutter and throw them away. I also cleared my tables and finally journaling and blogging from this room again. I also bought new ink printer so I can impulsively print anything I want. It's cleared and sorted and organized in some way which I hope will last longer. 
• Shopee impulse buying - And it has been my favorite down time and free time. I checked out almost everything in my shopping cart and also deleted everything that I dont need from the cart.
• Hamster - my husband took in 2 hamsters from my brother and bought another two, well just because having a turtle and two fishes is not entertaining enough (?) lol. 
• Grey's Anatomy - totally a daredevil. Ever since my baby sister, Zira watched it at my house, I am stuck with it. I started from season 2 and still continuing. I am so not really into tv series though, except Gilmore Girls which I also totally regretted watching because its not over, yet! 
• MCO - its MCO again and I am bored. Also the fact that I cant bake, I cant do excessive things & chores because I am still in confinement and doing heavy chores will only make my body ache. And the fact that I cant call anyone for berurut because too afraid of Covid-19 and god knows how long before I can do that sobs. I might not even able to berurut until confinement ends....
• Hannah's 1 month - and I totally forgot. Screw me. I should've taken pictures or something and at least blog about it. Or post about it. Hannah is 1 month old and it slips of her own mother's head. 
• Breastfeeding - not that I havent gone through this before but I am hungry like THE WHOLE TIME. But I am grateful. I am grateful.
• Spicy craving - Confinement and breastfeeding means I gotta watch what I eat and I am craving for spicy thingsss sobs

Wasalam. Love, Nina M.