Hectic week and never ending.

My hectic weeks (for almost a month) starts with Harris catching cold and got high fever. Due to that, I took 2 days of emergency leave, then I had my weekends class so I had no time to rest. I took naps during the nights, sponging Harris, feeding him meds, putting him back to bed, so I had no rest that week. I attended weekend class with flu and was drowsy with panadol (because I had to). So the next Monday, I took MC because I couldnt take it anymore. On the same day, husband snapped his back (again), and he went to see the doctor and he got MC and referral letter as well. His slip disc hit back. Once he's done getting his GL, its time for his hospital visit. So yea, both down and I have to take charge of Harris fully because my husband couldnt do all the heavy works including taking care of Harris. So still not fully recover with flu, I had another weekend class so my hands were full. Thankfully I can still send Harris to Kakna and my mom and sisters willingly to take care of Harris.

The next Monday, which was earlier this week, that night my husband's condition was very bad so I took another emergency leave that day to drive him to the hospital. Two days at work, I had period pain yesterday, so I took MC again. And here I am, at work, still not fully recover. Kakna could not take care of Harris today so thankfully I am able to drop Harris at my mom's because Zira's done with SPM. And for that I am grateful. 

Currently, we only have on transport which is my car. Oh ya, my husband's bike was nearly stolen that one night and so we parked it temporarily at my parents house until we could fund the repair. Yea, its been months of tight budgets and no shopping except for things necessary. Plus, I've been so busy with work, study and we barely had time with Harris so we kinda prefer spending time at the park or home chilling together.

Its insane how my weekend's filled with classes and assignments piled up and at this very hour, I am still wide awake because I need to wrap up my Post Module Assessment that is due on Monday and which means I have to get it all done by tomorrow. So I'm just gonna finish babbling and get on my assessment. I have to submit it thru turnitin and attach it in my PMA as well so I'm hoping I will get lower than 20% so I would not have to do any amendments.

I need my coffee.

Wasalam. Love, Nina M.

Not so recent purchase.

I changed my spectacles to something that many years back, I would've not choose it. But I'm happy with the purchase because it makes my face seems a bit brighter.

Its not the typical square that I usually chose and the color is not dark either but I'm happy so far.

But I still keep the square one in case I feel like coming back because you know I get indecisive and opinionated so yea we never know. Plus, I feel like I look a bit weird wearing a round glass with square scarf but instead I look just fine. Even better. The color is just my type of color.

Still obsessed with it in case you guys are curious. Hehe. 

Happiness

Personally, I wouldnt say I'm in a much better state. I'm still lost, still amiss, still foggy on my future path. But really, as long as I dont come across news that will trigger my anxiety to the end of the world or something like that. I mean, I have to always share myself happy things. Find things to make me happy. But I guess, once in a while its fine, I can be happy. But to remain happy? Tough job. I smile and laugh and be happy at times, but it gets depressing when sometimes I feel like I'm trying, but I may not. Urm, so really, I dont know. It fluctuates and you just dont know when it happens.

I clean the house, cook & do chores for therapy. I keep myself occupied with friends and try to look forward for anything. Yea, I'm struggling. We both are. I guess we just have to be grateful that we still have each other, we have a job, a toddler that we wish we could provide the best of everything for him, a house to stay warm, food on the table and most important, to be alive. 

Finding an objective to move on with your life is not easy. Especially when negative things always come around in your head. I always try to think positively of everything so that only positive things will come to me. But with hurdles, all the hardships, days that we barely had any money, being so tired after stressful days at work, makes it much harder. 

But I have to get up from there, I have to.

28 years of living, and here I am, still struggling with self-identity and life purposes. I should be ashamed.

11.11

This is such a peculiar time and place to be blogging right now, as I'm at my site office, working, and blogging shouldnt be a thing to do now. So yea. Anyways, hello! I've ran out of my sanity dosage and I guess I need to rant some more here as this is one of my place to lash out my insanity. 

Honestly, I've been very very busy. And I've missed blogging so much that I always think when I would blog, because gurl right here need it so bad. Juggling work, household, study and with a toddler, never been easy and yea, I'm surviving. But lets be real, its goddamn tiring. I havent been out with my friends for quite some time and do I even have friends?! Other than my colleague, I mean real life friends. Because honestly, I dont follow my colleagues on social medias and I never let them in anyway. So what friends do I have other than my university, high school friends that I failed to contact them THAT often? Damn I'm busy and lazy. The only person I would ALWAYS text is my husband, Anis & my sibs. Or I can tell, my mom is on the top three. Not saying that its a bad thing, but just saying how my social life depleted like mad. I should be going out with friends once in a while, but hey, what friends? 

Uhm ya, its also because I'm lazy yea guys. I guess its because initiating conversations with people I rarely talk to is hard and it consumes most of my energy. Working as well. Because at the end of my work day, I would straight go home and handle Harris, cook or clean the house and kitchen, and at the end of the day, I just want to cuddle with Harris and my husband. Talk about our day and just watch tv. Yea, thats beyond happiness. But deeeeeep down, I still need to go out and meet my friends, just because. Not saying I'm not happy, just saying that I need some time out. And to sort things out. 

Pessimism has been part of me for quite some time. And my mom warned me before to stop thinking negative because sooner or later it would consume me. But of course, it was too late. 

I am dreadful and in such miserable state. At some point, I would just cry. Have you ever been in a situation where you just dont know what you're doing, or what you're going to do, or just feel like no purpose? Yea, that's me. I really had no purpose. Like, dont know what I want or should do. Because everything would be pointless. The world is going to end anyway. So why?? Why are we struggling? Goshhh. I hate my mind right now. Because I dont want to handle all the chaos when the end is coming. I dont want to be with my child when it happen because I dont even want my child to face all this. If someone ask me if I want to be pregnant again, I would! But again, I dont want as well. Because the world is ending. I dont know if I'll ever be strong to face the dajjal. I couldnt even handle when babies asking me food. Ever more asking them to fast or not eating because we would be among the dajjal followers. I dont know. I am a mess. A complete mess. 

Just a heads up, I might edit this post and delete all the dajjal part because part of me, I still cant accept the fact that the world is ending as it is. And I dont know. Its just so bad. I dont know how to be happy anymore. And also because I feel so useless. So unworthy. I dont feel like I'm going to strive for anything anymore. Its just so hard. 

I am contemplating in every single thing I want to do. 

And I've always been this way. I dont know when this feeling going to end. But really, I cant help it. 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M.