Honestly, I've been very very busy. And I've missed blogging so much that I always think when I would blog, because gurl right here need it so bad. Juggling work, household, study and with a toddler, never been easy and yea, I'm surviving. But lets be real, its goddamn tiring. I havent been out with my friends for quite some time and do I even have friends?! Other than my colleague, I mean real life friends. Because honestly, I dont follow my colleagues on social medias and I never let them in anyway. So what friends do I have other than my university, high school friends that I failed to contact them THAT often? Damn I'm busy and lazy. The only person I would ALWAYS text is my husband, Anis & my sibs. Or I can tell, my mom is on the top three. Not saying that its a bad thing, but just saying how my social life depleted like mad. I should be going out with friends once in a while, but hey, what friends?
Uhm ya, its also because I'm lazy yea guys. I guess its because initiating conversations with people I rarely talk to is hard and it consumes most of my energy. Working as well. Because at the end of my work day, I would straight go home and handle Harris, cook or clean the house and kitchen, and at the end of the day, I just want to cuddle with Harris and my husband. Talk about our day and just watch tv. Yea, thats beyond happiness. But deeeeeep down, I still need to go out and meet my friends, just because. Not saying I'm not happy, just saying that I need some time out. And to sort things out.
Pessimism has been part of me for quite some time. And my mom warned me before to stop thinking negative because sooner or later it would consume me. But of course, it was too late.
I am dreadful and in such miserable state. At some point, I would just cry. Have you ever been in a situation where you just dont know what you're doing, or what you're going to do, or just feel like no purpose? Yea, that's me. I really had no purpose. Like, dont know what I want or should do. Because everything would be pointless. The world is going to end anyway. So why?? Why are we struggling? Goshhh. I hate my mind right now. Because I dont want to handle all the chaos when the end is coming. I dont want to be with my child when it happen because I dont even want my child to face all this. If someone ask me if I want to be pregnant again, I would! But again, I dont want as well. Because the world is ending. I dont know if I'll ever be strong to face the dajjal. I couldnt even handle when babies asking me food. Ever more asking them to fast or not eating because we would be among the dajjal followers. I dont know. I am a mess. A complete mess.
Just a heads up, I might edit this post and delete all the dajjal part because part of me, I still cant accept the fact that the world is ending as it is. And I dont know. Its just so bad. I dont know how to be happy anymore. And also because I feel so useless. So unworthy. I dont feel like I'm going to strive for anything anymore. Its just so hard.
I am contemplating in every single thing I want to do.
And I've always been this way. I dont know when this feeling going to end. But really, I cant help it.
Wasalam. Love, Nina M.
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