Impatient

I hated how impatient I can be at times. I dont know. I should be thankful for so many things. But when one hardship comes, I just tend to blow up. The im-pissed-at-god-for-doing-this-to-me kind of blow up.

Being redha or grateful is far far from me. I just tend to not be grateful and when things get hard, I dont redha. I will get pissed at everyone for being the reason that this happens to me and damn it.

Seriously though. I am just pissed right now. There's a lot of things I know I should do. Like being grateful. List out all the good things instead of focusing on the wrong things. See life in a bigger picture. All that shit. But of course, me myself and I decided to be mad about all the petty things. I mean, to me, its not that petty. Its bigggg. Of course, I control my life. I decide what can be big and what can minimize. But of course, I choose to make such a big fuss over small things.

You know, I realize all that. I do. But I just cant do anything about it. Negativity consumes me. Ego. Gigantic ass ego. Haihhhhh. 

At times, I would be pissed off why I choose to get married early. I should be single, living happily, go travel, spend money for myself. All that shit. But no, I decided to settle down. And what do I do with my choice? Am I happy? Is this the life I wanted?

I DONT KNOW.

There's like super loads of things I should be happy about. But I choose to be pissed off over one mistakes. Over one hardships. Over one hurdles. Obstacles. That even barely come say hi!

Gila ah tak bersyukur aku ni. 

I have a loving husband, even he's not perfect, he loves me unconditionally. I have a super happy go lucky baby that clings to me like a koala and I'm pretty sure all mothers loves that. Who doesnt? I'm just too shitty to realize that shit. Too ego, too negative. Damn I hate myself.

I'm just gonna crawl back into the deepest crook in my body, my heart and rot.