Keeping up with yours truly

I guess its so hard to keep up with myself. Or its just hard for me to keep with blogging and all. But its what keeping me sane. Writing & blogging. And I need it now.

News flash: I enrolled for Masters in Engineering & Business Management. Wohooo.

And all of sudden, I'm having this sudden rush of thoughts that I shouldnt be doing this? Will I ever be able to cope.With my son, husband, household and work. I gotta to chase, to keep up. And the fees? It 6k per semester, god knows why. I'm starting to regret why I dont try and apply my masters elsewhere. Oversea? Been having that feeling since my parents went to US visiting their alma mater. They had good study time. Me? I needed that change of air. Studying. Make use of all my brain's capacity to think. Since I've always been the one holding myself back and procrastinate a lot. Its kinda lots to take in. And guess, I am very determined to finish my Gilmore Girls series so I wont be on that for quite some time and I finished it, and it ends with Rory said she's pregnant to god knows who the father is. I'm left with so much question mark and I mean thousands. But of course I read it somewhere online because some episodes tends to get lengthy and I need answers, still I'm caught off guard at 'I'm pregnant' thingy and things went blank and no more episodes. Dreadful. And I hate watching series if I have to wait more episodes to be aired. I tend to wait until all series came out and I can binge watch it and finally have an ending and the only thing I need to do would be wailing and floating over good ending (if its that good!). But now I'm not. I feel miserable for trying to finish it and left myself with so many questions. Well I just wanted a good ending. And I'm moving to Stars Hollow, if I may.

Okay enough with that.

My course briefing would be tomorrow and I need to register subjects within a week and I have yet to finalize subjects I'm taking this semester. What is wrong with me? I've been wanting and looking forward for this since I've decided I may want to be a lecturer like a couple month ago. I really didnt think this through? But I'm excited for classes. For assignments. For, being a student again. I may continue PhD too. Since I maybe want to be a lecturer. Or working in some other field which is not too far from engineering. Its just engineering & business management. And it seems okay? Well it is okay. Ergh whatever. I'm just having second thought and I shouldnt have! I'm excited.

Okay, I'm hungry and that's probably why I'm babbling and its been a whole day with me and Harris alone. I guess I need some me time. And I just finish the Gilmore Girls series. And it kept me awake. Duh. Omg something just popped in. Rory knows and I should've known because he asked Christopher (her dad) about what he thinks of Lorelai raising her alone. And oh god, I should've known. Well, okay, I'm definitely off topic now. I should be getting to bed but husband's not back yet. Probably have some time to look up the course outline and get myself prepared for tomorrow and for the whole 4 semesters I signed up for.

Okay, good night. Wasalam. Love, Nina M.

Ways to Reduce Stress

You know, I used to be so ungrateful of many many things. And even now, I am still struggling with it. I mean, for some cases la. But really, dealing with ungratefulness, negativity, its tiring. Its draining your mental energy. And even more so, thinking of all the things that are uncertain, I couldnt tell you how much it tires the hell out of me. It is important to have someone to knock the sense out of me at times. I thank Allah for every single person He blessed me with to always keep me in check. And in my case, I would always go for my husband and my mother. I am going to list out things they always advice me to do if my pessimistic self decides to show up.

1. Learn to let go.
- Do you ever feel like regretting everything you did? Let go. Let go of things that we think might gonna happen differently. Because we gotta accept that everything happens for a reason. Dont regret over past things. Start fresh everyday and always do the best in everything so there wont be a moment we would regret.

2. Always be grateful.
- This is so hard. Especially myself who loves to scroll social medias, seeing all those people, so successful. Instead of burning my spirit to be better, I start to compare with my life. What I lack of. I try to see my life as whole. See the life as half cap full instead of half cup empty.

3. Accepts things as it is (qada' and qadar)
- Acceptance is so hard. It relates to being grateful. If we're grateful with whatever we have, we will also learn to accept. Accept that some things are wrong in life. Accept that we might not get whatever we want. Accept thing as it is, because everything in life happens for a reason.

4. Dont think of the uncertain things in life.
- Pessimism is a devil. I used to think of all the worst case scenarios might happen in every occasion. Like questioning every single steps I'm going take but negatively. It makes you hesitate. Hesitate, procrastinate, unable to take risks, challenges. It makes you afraid of facing obstacles and challenges in life. And it makes you go nowhere. So dont think. Try to think positively and little of the negative. Just little. I've read about law of attraction, the more we think of it, the most likely that it will happen. So dont think too much. Dont overthink. Believe in Allah's plan. Everything we do must be because of Allah.

5. Never ever hold grudge and always forgive people and most important, forgive yourself.
- Forgive people as it clears your mind and body. The more you forgive, the more you let go and it will have positive impact on yourself. And dont blame yourself. Things happen for a reason. Always forgive yourself and move on. Move on with life.

As much as I blabber, I dont really take these advice though. I have my down moments. And at that time, I would always try and find my way back. Being in a give up state tires me out, drains my mental and not good for my health. So I always try not to dwell so long in that state. I would talk to my husband, my mom, my best friends, to find reason to pick up myself. Harris is one of my pillars of strength too. I want to be a good example to my kids, like I see my mom as a role model. But of course, sometimes we gotta fall before we able to get back up again right.

So that's kinda how I try to reduce my stress. Because you know, working and managing house is tiring. Its a double job and I always need to be reminded and these thing helps me to reduce some tension to my head.

And I wish you all Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir & Batin to all Muslimin & Muslimat. May we all will meet Ramadhan again next year, In sha Allah :) 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M. 

Its the second week of Ramadhan

Fasting for the first 7 days of Ramadhan and currently not fasting due to period and advised by the doctor to not fast until this bengkak susu subsides and God knows when I will be able to. There's nothing much to update though but really, life has really taken its toll on me. I barely have time for blogs. I am always on the phone, working, instagram-ing, twitter-ing, youtube-ing, until I grow bored. Well, I spend most of the time playing Candy Crush, especially during working hours. I tried as much to not be on the phone after working hours because 1. Its the only time I get to spend time with Harris & husband before bed time 2. Because I want to watch tv 3. I dont want to pick up any calls or reading/replying any work-related messages (I assure you, my bosses do call & text me after working hours). So yeap, and also because I am now busy managing a home, preparing food for break fast etc. I love being occupied like that. Its a great feeling. Well, what's not great is seeing your kid trashing the house with legos, foods, toys on the floor after you clean. But what the hell, I am trying so hard to calm myself and let my kid be with his imagination. Harris's such a big boy now y'know. He sleeps late, dont want to wake up early in the morning. Goshh, he's like a teenager now. Ya ya, he sleeps on his own bed now. No more sharing beds with me throughout first half of the night, approximately 4 hours? Because usually when its feeding time, he would climb onto my bed in the middle of the night. 

I've been situated at site for 5 months now. And there's so much going on and I am unhappy. I'm feeling very dreadful every single day to work and I somehow think its affecting my health now. Is it? Seems like it. I am not happy with my job, I didnt get any job offer elsewhere.Its frustrating. And I dont know how else I am going to find a job. I just want to do whatever I am happy with. And my job is not. I am not happy with my life. My pimples are partying like mad, dark spots everywhere, new pimple each day, every parts of my face. I dont know how else to do, what skincare to use, etc. 

Financially? Still unhappy. I'm not seeing any sparks or fireworks in my bank account. Which is very disappointing. And guess what? Its highly possible that we might not get bonus for raya this year since boss is quite unhappy with site progress and condition so yeap, double the trouble. But I hope we all get it. Sonia resigned by the way, yesterday was her last day. And left just me and ummu. I really want to resign. Seriously though, I am unhappy. Very unhappy.

I bought a car though. And I might be getting it by end of the month. Congratulations for me, I am now officially in debt. And the commitment is quite high monthly. Very quite high. And I definitely cant resign now. Which makes me want to cry so much. But what the hell, none of it matters right?

Anyways, whatever I'm blabbing here right now is just a mere update of a lot of things. So today, I'm going to break fast at my parent's house since I cant cook. I should be getting ready, husband's going to arrive any time now and I bet he's gonna be pissed if seeing me like this (since he called asking me to get ready to go to bazaar 15 minutes ago). So okay, bye bye.

Wasalam. Love, Nina M. 

1 year 6 months

Harris is 1 year and 6 months old and the mother, well, weird to say, down with fever due to what malay said, bengkak susu. I call it weird because it rarely happens now. I usually happens during in confinement. I had that bengkak susu during confinement though but never in a situation that I got so feverish and shivering due to that. But now I am. It was painful. I cant lift my whole left hand. Even touching my left boob would make me scream. It was hella painful. But I didnt suspect anything since Harris's feeding is normal and I feed him with both my breasts. But scared of whatever, I went to the clinic last night to get myself checked. And yeap, I had bengkak susu. Reasons being, I didnt massage the whole boobs so there's clogged somewhere and not the whole boobs being emptied during feeding. So that is why it became so swollen on that particular area only. I went to work yesterday though, in that pain. And it aches like mad. I cried at every single movement of my left arm. A nudge to my boobs was excruciating. I finally gave up and took panadol and it lasted until end of working hours. At home, I shivered. And quickly went to clinic afterwards. I took MC for today since doctor said I need to massage it slowly and tuam with warm water. And drink plenty of plain water because this will make myself dehydrated and massive headaches. And also, I cant be bending down so much, or lifting much weights as it will give pressure to the breasts. I just need rest. 1 year and 6 months of breastfeeding and my milk supply seems a lot still, alhamdulillah.

Working has been tiring for me too. I rarely have time to pump and massage. I would just go home and feed Harris and do chores what not. I am in a very distress state as well. I am in dire need of new job, like so bad. I just want to resign so so bad and just sit at home, managing Harris. Husband advised me to resign too since my health has been depleting lately. For example, why only now that I get this bengkak susu? Its never been a problem to me before. And my stress level is at the top because my period pain was so bad I was screaming for the pain. Today is my 2nd MC for the week though and I know this will look bad to my record but hey, who am I kidding? I am UNWELL. But of course, they wouldnt care. I am considering myself to get masters though, and pursue to be a lecturer. Seriously.

Happy 5 years anniversary husband! 

A throwback photo

And my face has gone nuts. Pimples everywhere. Very horrible. I really want my flawless skin back. Not that very flawless though but enough with no pimples whatsoever should be fine. No dark spots, marks anything. 

Please pray for me that I get a new job. Pretty please. And by the way, I got new nephew! My little brother is now a father. Alhamdulillah. More cousins for Harris yeay. 

Happy Ramadhan to all Muslims. Its our first Ramadhan in our own home and going to be our first Aidilfitri in our own home too. There's so much to tell but I guess I need some rest now. I'm feeling something burning on my breast. 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M. 

Another sleepless night

It's midnight and I just slurped down a cup of coffee. Cant sleep just yet. I put Harris to bed and now, here I am, blogwalking again? I dont know. We just got home from show house. Yeap, in the midst of purchasing a house but still surveying for good deals. And we have to find new car too. And also, need to buy new mattress for Harris new endeavour: sleeping alone.

I'm just feeling a bit bitter and down today. The house we're surveying is like too pricey and of course we can afford it, its just that I dont think we'd be able to save some money for emergencies later. So yea, I guess we gotta kiss that one good bye. (Any developer sales person can hit me up please!). I'm looking for a house around Setiawangsa, Wangsa Maju area if I could but you know, the price here spikes up like mad due to so many amenities within reach and my location choices aint that much options, so yea. If only I could find 500k cash and just buy it though. Haihh.... There are a lot of other things I need to consider if I choose to find house other than the above mentioned area.

And you know what, I gotta survey for cars. I need a new car. Why? Because my viva is starting to worn out and the cost of maintaining and repairing is like, urm... a lot? Too many things to get at the moment. Commitments and all. Really, at some point, I think I can only afford one children. The cost of living these days. Maybe I should consider doing two jobs now.

I dont even know which to get first. It's giving me headache. Kan best kalau gaji ribu riban! Tomorrow is working day and I couldnt get myself to sleep.

I wish life was easier in so many ways. Like so so so so many ways. I should try and get myself to sleep. New day, new beginning. I wish....

When will this phase end? Wasalam. Love, Nina M.