Mundane

I swear to God I dont even know why I'm saying this, but I finally agreed to see a psychologist. After being insisted by my mom, I finally agreed to undergo therapy. At first, I dont see the point of it because I'm just battling some inner feelings that probably everybody is having now? I dont know. But I guess, someone else sees something is wrong with me and needs treatment. It's not a psychiatrist. It's a psychologist. Both have different meanings and I'm not under any medication. I am just still ongoing therapy. I've had few episodes of meltdowns, battling this procrastination and useless feelings some sort. I dont even know how to explain it. Because it seems so deep down rooted and I cant find the root cause. It's just a mess. 

I just hope I will get better one day. I may not feel like want to get better, but really, I dont even know what I want. Sometimes I feel motivated that I barely sit down or just scrolling my phone. Sometimes I feel completely useless, idiotic and self-loathing bitch who just wants to be pampered but dont want it too. 

It's a constant battle and I dont even know how did I come to this point that requires therapy. Well, no harm trying. Are we supposed to see some improvement after few sessions? Can I see those improvements myself? Can I know that I've improved myself? Do I feel improved? I dont know. I still have many sessions to go. No harm. 

To be completely honest, I am done trying. I am doing this for my mom and my family, for me to be a better mom, a better wife, a better daughter. 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M.