Just thinking

I think my marriage have come to a point where its just comfort. Comfort zones. I have so many things I dont feel okay about this marriage, but I dont feel like it can be fixed. I feel like, we're just here, merely just surviving for our kids well being. Not focusing on US, but just the kids. 

When I told my psychologist about me always lashing out to him and everything, she asked me one question which left me to a complete deep thought, so deep but unable to answer it. 

"What are the things that you both refer to or decide to as WE?" 

I swear to god, I was silenced. Like, I cant answer it, at all. It's just "I". Barely a "WE" or "US". It has been a while that a decision was made based on we. It's either, you or me. Never a decision we both agree upon as a team. It's funny how I just realized that. 

She told me that, the key to marriage is from "I" to "WE". 

So I told my husband. And we fight, again. As always. It's just always about blaming someone and I strongly feel there is no way to go from here. There is no way we're gonna come out from this. I am still struggling with myself most of the times and I cant really deal with something without bursting out. My mood is just off. 

I am just here for the sake of the kids. Our top priority was never about us anymore. It's just the kids. Everything just for the kids. And for each of our own. 

I dont normally rant about this. But every sessions is like peeling slices of onion and I have to learn to accept and make something about it. I have to make it from I to WE. We both have to. If we want this marriage to last. Because honestly, once the kids grow up, divorce would be the first decision we finally agree on. 

I dont know if I want to happen. Or not. Or whatever. 

Bye. Love, Nina M.