It gets better. Or it doesnt.

 33 years of living. 10 years of marriage. Birthed two kids that are literally me. Sometimes, things are just going so well. Sometimes, it gets really bad that I dont feel like talking at all. Knowing myself, I get pissed a lot and when I'm mad, my mouth can get really light and I dont give a damn. But once I feel like really disappointed, you wont hear a thing from me at all. And if that time comes, do know that it means I gave up.

Middle child

I am the middle child. The one with emotional wreck. The middle child who was forgotten. The middle child who were emotionally abused. The middle child that never feel like enough. The middle child that often feels never good enough. Never enough. Useless. The double standards. The ignored ones.

Yes, I am THAT middle child. 

November 2022

It is my 5th month as a lecturer. My work is flexible as it is. I have a very understanding leader and great team to work with. I feel so blessed to ever granted this job. Alhamdulillah. 

This job finally feels like I am doing something that suits me in a way. Probably because I've always liked to teach. Or even give speech. More like nagging. But teaching makes me feel like I'm in the zone. And I am loving the zone. It's still a lot to learn, being in an academic line when you've been quite a while in the industry. However, this switch feels like home. Probably because my mother was a lecturer and I'm the only one in the family that is drawn to being one. My years as a housewife was wonderful but I guess it gets better when I'm a lecturer because my mental health state is improving and I get better clarity, unclouded by anxiety and what not. 

So I'm nearly at the end of the semester. It is study week and I'm working from home because my son, Harris caught Covid-19 last week and on the 4th day, his jaw start swollen and as soon as he's released from 5th day quarantine because he was tested negative, we took him to the hospital to check on his jaw. Turns out, it's mumps. A infectious disease like chicken pox. So his quarantine extended to another 10 days. So I requested for wfh since it's study week, no class and his quarantine will finish before final exam starts, so alhamdulillah I was allowed for wfh until he finishes quarantine. It's still a bummer for us because Harris needs to be isolated from Hannah. Husband and me are in sha Allah to be immune from mumps because we had that when we were kids so even though Hannah is vaccinated against mumps, we still need to isolate her. So yeah, days of separated sleep, separated play time and what not. We know we cant force Harris to continue to just stay in his room so when Hannah went to Taska, we let Harris play around the house. And I will sanitize the house right before Hannah gets home and continue isolating Harris. 

Btw, alhamdulillah, Hannah, my husband and I, we all tested negative until now. It's still a question on where did Harris gets Covid-19 but alhamdulillah he recovered from it well. I hope he will continue not having any bad side effects like most post-covid patient had. Aminnnn. 

My convocation day was actually on Saturday, however, due to pilihan raya, my convocation was postponed to weekday, 24th November. And Harris's quarantine is until 22nd, I still need to bring him to KK to get him checked on 23rd and if his condition is okay, then I can bring him to UTM JB next week. 

HOWEVER. 

If things doesnt go as planned, I have to make another arrangement. Until then, my plans for convocation day is still remain incomplete. I cant make hotel reservations, I cant actually plan my stay, or my travel days. Or anything. So basically, I didnt plan anything, yet. 

Too much going on in November 2022 and I really cant wait until this month to end. Too much for me already. Waaaaay too much. And too much event I've been missing out. And too much things been happening. I got into an accident too but I'll just save it for another day. (I hope)

Right now I just hope we can go through this month with ease and smooth. In sha Allah. 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M. 

So. I got a job.

After 2 years of unemployment, Alhamdulillah, I finally got a job. For the past 2 years, I havent been exactly seeking although was hoping for a job. I was becoming a bit choosy for jobs I'm applying since I already have two kids and doing business was kind of not one of the best option for me at that time. It was a long wait and that one day I was having a thought, googled, saw an opening and immediately applied. Got the interview, prepared myself for it, and now, I am employed. I am now a UTM lecturer, and going to teach diploma students. I am stationed in UTMKL and starting my first day tomorrow. 

It was too much of information for me to actually tell because honestly, my 2 years havent been easy. I've been dealing with many things, mentally, physically & financially that remembering my journey is becoming a bit blurry. It was a painful journey. I hope that when I'm ready, I will be able to reminisce and not having a single regret over multiple things because acceptance is never easy for me. It was a vicious moments for me. 

As for right now, I just want to focus on tomorrow and many more days coming and try to take things one step at a time. I know being a lecturer means you gotta revise all those lessons you had for the past 10 years and I wasnt a bright student back then. Engineering wasnt an easy course either. But I believe this is a process and I will learn along the way. In sha Allah. 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M. 

Beaten Down

I have been away for awhile. It's something impulsive. It's either 100% or 0% means I'll be posting regularly, or none. Nothing in between. It's Ramadhan now. I am awake really early this morning, without sleeping in while my two kids and husband are sleeping soundly, on a Sunday morning, is something I rarely do. But I guess I needed the quiet time to actually processing some things in my head. 

To be exact, I am deeply frustrated. Still am. Reasons why I'm awake, duhhh. I might regret waking up this early later, but never mind. Let's not think about it now. Anyway, I was actively doodling and making patterns on Procreate. And a friend suggested me to try and sell my designs on Etsy. I thought I had a shot at this. Because I'm using international platforms where art making merchandise and digital stuff is actually being appreciated widely and the demands is so high. So I made it. And the next day, my account got suspended for no reason. I have uploaded few designs and the next morning when I came to check my account, it was suspended. No emails from Etsy, at all. I dont know whether it's permanent suspension or temporary. I have completed all outstanding payments and it should be running fine automatically, except it doesnt. So, I have been trying to figure out what went wrong and the reason of the suspension. It's really hard. I would've just ignore everything and make another email and register another account. But until I find out what's wrong, I am most probably be repeating something that's considered 'mistake' by Etsy which is causing the suspension. So until I know what's the reason behind it, I may be postponing this Etsy stuff. I needed the money though. I know this is a process, and it can be taking a while, or maybe soon, but I need to start somewhere. And I cant start now because I have no clue about what went wrong. 

So to be honest, I feel beaten down and frustrated since I found out my account was suspended. I deleted my listings and I am so ready to delete that Etsy account but I cant. Because it's suspended. So yeah. 

I have emailed Etsy yesterday and I am still waiting for replies or any news regarding this suspension because it is frustrating. 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M.