Just thinking

I think my marriage have come to a point where its just comfort. Comfort zones. I have so many things I dont feel okay about this marriage, but I dont feel like it can be fixed. I feel like, we're just here, merely just surviving for our kids well being. Not focusing on US, but just the kids. 

When I told my psychologist about me always lashing out to him and everything, she asked me one question which left me to a complete deep thought, so deep but unable to answer it. 

"What are the things that you both refer to or decide to as WE?" 

I swear to god, I was silenced. Like, I cant answer it, at all. It's just "I". Barely a "WE" or "US". It has been a while that a decision was made based on we. It's either, you or me. Never a decision we both agree upon as a team. It's funny how I just realized that. 

She told me that, the key to marriage is from "I" to "WE". 

So I told my husband. And we fight, again. As always. It's just always about blaming someone and I strongly feel there is no way to go from here. There is no way we're gonna come out from this. I am still struggling with myself most of the times and I cant really deal with something without bursting out. My mood is just off. 

I am just here for the sake of the kids. Our top priority was never about us anymore. It's just the kids. Everything just for the kids. And for each of our own. 

I dont normally rant about this. But every sessions is like peeling slices of onion and I have to learn to accept and make something about it. I have to make it from I to WE. We both have to. If we want this marriage to last. Because honestly, once the kids grow up, divorce would be the first decision we finally agree on. 

I dont know if I want to happen. Or not. Or whatever. 

Bye. Love, Nina M. 

Mundane

I swear to God I dont even know why I'm saying this, but I finally agreed to see a psychologist. After being insisted by my mom, I finally agreed to undergo therapy. At first, I dont see the point of it because I'm just battling some inner feelings that probably everybody is having now? I dont know. But I guess, someone else sees something is wrong with me and needs treatment. It's not a psychiatrist. It's a psychologist. Both have different meanings and I'm not under any medication. I am just still ongoing therapy. I've had few episodes of meltdowns, battling this procrastination and useless feelings some sort. I dont even know how to explain it. Because it seems so deep down rooted and I cant find the root cause. It's just a mess. 

I just hope I will get better one day. I may not feel like want to get better, but really, I dont even know what I want. Sometimes I feel motivated that I barely sit down or just scrolling my phone. Sometimes I feel completely useless, idiotic and self-loathing bitch who just wants to be pampered but dont want it too. 

It's a constant battle and I dont even know how did I come to this point that requires therapy. Well, no harm trying. Are we supposed to see some improvement after few sessions? Can I see those improvements myself? Can I know that I've improved myself? Do I feel improved? I dont know. I still have many sessions to go. No harm. 

To be completely honest, I am done trying. I am doing this for my mom and my family, for me to be a better mom, a better wife, a better daughter. 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M. 

Afraid to hope

I've come to a point where I dont want to move forward in my life because I am afraid to hope and end up getting disappointed. I feel like I just want to stay unsuccessful or just this way because I am too afraid to hope or having some kind of hyped up feelings over something and get disappointed. I just cant handle rejection. Sucks being me. I am just too scared. 

The disappointment just reminds of what I could've done better, should've done better and just a total reminder of how useless I am. It's the same vicious cycle every time and I still didnt learn enough. I just hate myself for that. I am too old for this. Too old to be still battling with these inner (totally invalid) feelings because mature people wont have problems like this, huh? 

Hey ho

Since I deferred my semester, I have been procrastinating on my thesis, which I know I should be writing bits by bits, slowly and steadily and calmly but oh well, I have trouble with procrastination. It just happen to be my bestfriend. And I will always make up excuses on how I cant or tak sempat to open up some papers to read and whatnot because I am such a procrastinator liddat. Tsk. 

So here I am up in late nights, fixing here and there because I need to do a bit of closure. I havent even made up my mind on how I want to analyze my data because I feel so lazy putting effort finding out how. Damn. Sometimes I hate myself for that. I calm myself down way too many times that it gets to me when its due. And yet, I still do it. I am a definite master procrastinator.

Now that I have my iPad, it helps me to do my thesis on the go. I mean, once I find out that I am waaay behind schedule, I kinda have to keep up by a lot, so I upload everything to my iPad and bring it to work for me to at least have a look when I have the time. GoodNotes is such a functional apps and I never regret once about buying it. Procreate too, because if I have sudden auditor's block, I would doodle to release some of the stress, yep. 

Now I have ticked off few checklists on my thesis to do list, I feel a bit at ease and I hope I would continue this momentum for tomorrow and days to come because December aint that far. Oops. 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M. 

Overwhelmed

You know there are days I feel like a total jerk and asshole? I feel like it almost everyday. I am trying a new routine I cant even keep up. Heck, I cant even get my ass awake at 6.30am. I cant even find a job. I dont even know if I wanted to work. I dont know what to do. Being a housewife is tired as shit. Especially when Harris throws a tantrum and Hannah wanted a lullaby for nap, AT THE SAME TIME. Apart from that, I have to sit down looking at all the mess Harris made while being a monster and suddenly he's a firefighter. I cant help but to yell every single time he poop in his pants because that's the only part of potty train that he has yet to master. And it's going to be no water supply for 3 days and I am surely gonna cuss so hard if he pooped. It's tiring. 

I need money. I need a job. I bake but hey, nobody's ordering. I make stickers and I dont even know how to start printing and selling. But really, maybe I'll be doing digital stickers and sell them at very low price because it's easier that way. I am still collecting ideas and continue doodling on until I get fair amount of stickers worthy of selling. Because you know, you can get most stickers on Pinterest for free (raises hand bcs im guilty as well). I am still learning how to make digital planners too because we can sell that too. 

It's Monday and Harris skip school again. I am so pissed off this morning and I am pretty sure the whole block knows, I am THAT mother who shouts.

These two cuties are my treasure and I wish I could be the best mother for them. It's a struggle everyday but I am trying. 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M.