Useless self

I think that I'm useless. Reading other people's blog, seeing other people's instagram, reality life, everything, makes me wonder, WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?

Seriously, what am I doing at the office nearly 10 hours a day, working but y'know I'm free most of the time, so what exactly am I doing????

Really Amalina, what the hell are you doing with your life??? Yet, I still question myself, why am I still just a typical Amalina, not the super rich, awesome, charming, good at friggin something kind of Amalina? Oh for crying out loud, I am just me. Boring self. Blogged for almost 10 years but still suck at it? Bowled for 10 years, and still suck at it too? Studying for almost a lifetime, still suck at it too. Really?

To be honest, I dont know what am I doing with my life anymore? I am at a phase where I would just, urm no, I'm not gonna do anything. Really, I'm at my down phase. My literally dont-give-a-damn phase. I'm so far from being a supermom. Or superwoman. Or anything super. I am just, me. And yeap, still broke, still mad at myself, still thinks myself is ugly, still thinks I am useless. I mean, for god's sake, I am useless!

I am not making super progress at work. Still actively looking for a new job though. (Ring me for any vacancy for M&E Engineer, guys, please!). I dont really do well in being a housewife too. Or in sports. The only sports I'm still attached with is bowling. And for crying out loud, I dont know how long I havent been practicing. I mean, I do bowl once in a while, but just for fun.

I am starting question my existence.

Really guysssssss, I feel useless tahu tak. I dont know what I'm good at. I dont know what I should venture into. I dont know how to direct my life. I am living my life aimlessly. Working for sustaining life, in providing all necessities for my family.

Really, I lost myself. (Really, how many times did I mention really already, really messed up)

Should I pursue my studies? Get PHD, and become lecturer? Should I start doing business? Should I? I dont know what I should do, what I'm good at, I dont even know!

Probably I'm just good at blabbering, talking non-stop. Guys, I'm ugly, with skin condition. I really have no self-esteem. Weyyyy I'm 27 and I still have this issues?????? No joke la Amalina.

I REALLY NEED TO SORT MY LIFE OUT. SERIOUSLY. Or just be thankful with whatever I have, I dont know.

Life is so hard. No wonder I wanted to stop living. Eh no, still wants it. Still want to die.

Wasalam. Love, Nina M.

Mystery Boxes Giveaway by Liyana Jasmi

Hi, its my first time joining this giveaway. I was quite reluctant at first but screw paradox self, I'm just gonna join this and lets hope for the best. 

For this post, I am tagging these 3 person to join this giveaway. 

1. lullabyssz

2. Acenana_

3. Ana Suhana 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M. 

Harris turns 1, October babies birthday celebration, housewarming and potluck all in one.

23rd October 2018 marks a year of me being a mother to a very wonderful child named Harris. Harris taught me a lot in life and sometimes I feel like I dont deserve a son so wonderful. I mean, I'm such a lucky person. Harris is quite an easy going baby, he doesnt whine much and clings to me most of the time. It took me quite some time to plan something for him because we're broke. And I feel like I'm a bad mother. But we're too broke to plan something big. So on Deepavali, I plan an ALL IN ONE event. The first event ever since we move out. Since I didnt do anything special for my husband's birthday this year, and for my mom too, so why not I lump sum all. And also, since I'm under quite a tight budget, I asked others if we could make this as a potluck too. Hehe.

It was such a happening day. Harris was having so much fun with the cousins. And the house is so full with people. And also, this is quite a closed event. With only my family and KakNa's. I didnt get the chance to take photo of the food. I ordered mee hon singapore from my dad's cafe and prepared cold drinks and watermelon, my mom brought seafood oglio, zira brought brownies (favorite!) and my dad sponsored teh tarik. It's more like a tea time for all of us and alhamdulillah, everything was enough.

For the cake, since this was quite a last minute plan, I didnt got so much time to order cakes. So I only bought red velvet cake from Secret Recipe. Its nice! There's so much I wanted to order though but flies literally flies out of my wallet. But I'm glad everybody had fun because its been quite a while since my family gathered.

The fast edited invitation card. 

The cake. Its a very simple one but as long as it tastes good, looks dont matter! 

Everybody was having so much fun and we didnt take too many photos. Only when everyone got home, I was like, eh we havent take any picture. That morning, after getting the cake, I went to balloon shop to get this HAPPY BIRTHDAY balloon as my backdrop and also the number 1 and balloons for kids to play with. 

My little family. The lighting was quite bright, hence the dull picture. I needed to edit it using Snapseed to get this result. And suddenly realized that the picture is not sharp. I really have to fix the lighting in our house. Its too dim at times. 

Us singing the happy birthday song to Harris. I am glad that everyone made it to our house that day. Just Azim and Fit not here because they're studying in Johor. 

I am so glad everything went well. And of course, Harris had so much fun with all his cousins. When we got home after buying the balloons, we were wondering what could we do with it since we have no tools to hang it. During the event, they blow all of it and all the children played with it. So yea, problems solved. Now we have like a bunch of balloons at home waiting to deflate. Haha. 

It was just a simple celebration with family and I'm glad that the birthday boy is happy. Alhamdulillah. 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M. 

Dealing with eczema & sensitive skin

Beware, this post might disgust you out and yuck, it is.

I've had eczema since I was a baby and yea, I've been dealing with it for 27 years now. You can never cure eczema. It will come and go. Especially when something triggers it. So for the longest time, I have to be mindful of whatever I put on my skin. Body wash, shampoo, facial cleanser, clothing, any kind of irritant, EVERYTHING. But as I grow older, my skin is not as sensitive as before. I mean, I can vary my cleanser and use scented things. Depends on what I am allergic to though. Early days, I am allergic to seafood. But after several years, I grow immune to it. Means it wont give me much hassle even after I had it.

My childhood has been quite a hassle for my parents. Because I couldnt use anything wool, just cotton clothing, a very pricey clothing detergent, body wash. Dont get me started on the medicine. Thousands. I used to be so allergic to trees, sands, I couldnt sit on the cement floor, I couldnt come in contact with any detergent. If I did, my face would become so swollen that my eyes become so small and I couldnt see anything.

Going into natural remedy and everything. Natural remedy is fine, it helps to soothe the itchiness but god knows how long does it take to reduce it. And I've become so impatient. But putting too much chemical on the skin is not good either. Really, I just dont want the itchiness and burning sensation.

My university years was horrible. Being stressful and lacking of rest triggers it. Up until my face too. Every month I have to see a dermatologist and it costs my parents a fortune for every single check up. All for me. For this sensitive and eczema skin. For the sake of their daughter's skin. I am fair-skinned and all this scars and wound looks so ugly to me. I hate that. I need to use gloves to wash dishes, to clean the toilet, to do almost everything.

I've tried SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MANY things, be it au naturale' or chemical, but really, YOU CANT CURE ECZEMA. It will keep coming back. Whatever contact that triggers it.

Harris been falling sick, me too, so I am lacking of rest, and a bit stressful with work and all. And being a wife, you really need to wash the dishes, clean the kitchen, cook, and it aint helping. So yea, eczema came back. Because I am lack of rest, stress and also contact irritant that triggers it. Yes, I love doing house chores and I cant stand just not being able to do anything.

So now, my eczema came back. Went to the clinic to get steroids and also for the flu I've been dealing with for the longest time.


I AM TIRED.

Having a sensitive skin is hard y'know. Because there would be days when its just gonna be itchy like sooooo itchy that you want to scratch and it wounds and bleeds and then the air bisa get in contact to other place and that other place become itchy too. Its never ending!

And when it happen, I would pop out all those biji-biji air and squeeze all the water out and dip my hands into warm salted water just to kill all the bacteria and then I would wash and put steroids on it. That's when I will be happy. But the burning sensation, arghhh so painful. As long as I'm satisfied.

Its another phase. I just have to deal with it. It'll get over soon. Goshhhhhhhhhhh

My yucky fingers full of wounds and scars. 

I'm just soooo lazy today. I just put on my instant shawl. 

I dont even know what I'm blabbering about today. But whatever. Ciao.

Fever, again.

It was just a few posts back that was about me and Harris down with fever. And now, again. I'm such a bad mother, right? Harris keep falling sick almost every month now, without miss. I really dont know what else to do. Last September, Harris was very sick, his temperature was very high and few days after his temperature subside, I was diagnosed with Influenza A. And ever since I got discharged, I havent gotten better from my flu, at all. Blocked nose, everyday. And it keeps dripping out. It was terrible. And I know, I may have been one of the reasons why Harris keep falling sick. Its from me. Probably transmitted through fluid contact, through my breastfeeding. I dont know. Last October, Harris got sick with coughing but no fever. That was quite okay, because we didnt have to go to the clinic. But this time, he got fever, again. He also got a bit of diarrhea which I'm pretty sure its from what might gotten into his mouth. You know, kids. But really, kesian laaaa.

I let Harris explore whatever he wants because I want his body to become immune and let his body to be able to build his own antibodies. Maybe its good. But its also not good because of me. I transmitted flu virus to him and weaken him. He is probably progressing well with the antibody thingy but me being the dominant virus to him. I dont know. Just babbling from a non doctor, me. But its logic though because everytime I take Harris to see the doctor, the doctor will ask has anyone near him got sick? So its most probably because he infected it from me, right?

Ever since I got better from Influenza A, I started consuming Vitamin C and also drinks plenty of plain water. But I guess its just not enough. I need to put an end to this flu! So its decided, tonight I'm going to the clinic and ask for medicine and put an end to this flu. At least for a while. With the current weather, office condition and all, it seems that I will be getting flu for many many time. But until how long? I need to build up my immune system. To be better. To be able to combat virus, flu, everything! So that Harris will be able to build up his immune too, from my breast milk. All for Harris. I couldnt stand looking at him being sick and all. I miss my healthy baby. I miss this cheeky Harris.

Harris clinging to me like a koala. I cant even move. He doesnt want anyone but me. 

I miss this cheeky boy. And I vow to eat more green veggies and fruits, and take care of my body better, all for Harris! 

Please pray for the well being of my baby, Harris. Please get better Harris, mummy couldnt stand seeing you sick :( 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M. 

Warning: Emo Post

Have you ever felt like time is moving so swiftly and there are things you wish you did better? I am now! I mean, Harris is one year old already and he's now a toddler. I always fancy looking at Harris crawling. He crawls so fast and so effing cute with his giggling and all. And now, he's baby stepping and he just wants to walk all the time and its cute, but you know what's worst? I miss seeing him crawl. I wish I recorded much of his actions and spent more time with him. I mean, I've been such a bad mother. When I got home from work, I often on the phone and spent less time just looking at this boy. The miracle. Sometimes I just couldnt believe I gave birth to this cute and cheeky boy. Too bad my amazement doesnt really reflect in my actions. I neglected him a lot. I often come back home late and feeling so tired and the only time spent was on bed. I am lucky that he clings to me still because of breastfeeding. The only time he clings to me like a koala. Wanting milk and cuddling and all.

I am feeling so emotional right now because I should've been a better mother. I should cherish all this clingy duration of him very very well because I realized the time move so swiftly and in a blink of an eye, he wont be needing me anymore. I swear I would cry. I mean, I am crying now.

He's now 1 year old guys. And the next thing I know, I would be kissing his cheek for him to get married. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Is this what being a mother feels like? I miss seeing him cooing and playing buu buu with his saliva. I miss him crawling the most, crying nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

THIS CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKY BOY 

And just me being lazy wearing the same tudung twice this week. Is it just pure laziness or this happens to be my favorite bawal now? 

So now, my target is to be the best mother I could be! 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M. 

My breastfeeding journey

I have been breastfeeding exclusively for a year plus now and I tell you, its a commitment. And loads of hardships I've had but right now, I am glad.

Why I choose to breastfeed? 

- Because I'm not that rich and afford so much and alhamdulillah, my milk supply has always been a lot and breastfeeding will cut cost for the formula milk. 

So for the first 6 months after birth, I managed to feed Harris fully with my EBM only. It was hard because after two months, getting back to work means I have little time to pump and my milk was dropping quite fast. Its because I didnt pump regularly. And during that time, I am still using the normal breast pump that requires me to properly sit down to pump. Means more time spent pumping and less work done. It'll affect my work record though plus projects coming in like so much and I didnt have much time to pump. 8 hours of working and I only manage to pump once a day. This routine contributes to the drop of my milk supply. I used to get bengkak susu within two hours, but that time, I get it after 4+ hours. But still, I had to pump at least once a day, if not, I will be in pain. 

After 7-8 months, milk dropping and less time to pump, so I introduce Harris to formula milk which I got from the maternity hospital. And now, Harris drinks KariHome. My milk supply was still dropping and nearly 10 months of not being able to pump regularly, and also the price of formula milk so expensive and Harris drinks so much milk even if he eats so much. So I was struggling with money and such, I googled ways to increase milk supply. I didnt get any milkbooster though because I read that it depends to the hormone so I took it the old fashioned way. 

1. Drink A LOT of plain water. This helps so much! 

2. Always eat. Keep a stash of biscuits, fruits, anything to eat with you all the time. 

3. Pump always. Exclusively every 2 hours for 30 minutes. 

4. Keep a mindset of wanting to provide the best milk for your baby. Dont stress. Relax. 

Reaching 10 months, and after doing so much research, I finally invested on a handsfree pump. It costs me nearly RM400 but for the sake of saving much money on the formula milk. Eventhough Harris already start on solid food, he still drinks milk so much that for one tin of the formula milk will last less than a month. And it aint cheap. So I had to find other solution. 

After investing on the breastpump, I pump regularly, every 2 hours, and keep eating, keep myself hydrated. And now, Harris is now 1 year old, my milk supply is increasing. I can pump 10 ounce every session and Harris also drinks much plain water and solid food, so he drink less milk. Harris milk routine is twice or thrice a day, 10 ounce every session. So its still crucial for me to pump milk for him. I can now pump from my cubicle every 2 hours. And alhamdulillah, it works for me. No milk booster. And also, no stress! 

Now, I pump for every 3-4 hours.

Struggles? A lot.

- Nipple crack. 

During the first two months of pumping exclusively every 2 hours, my nipple was cracking and every early pumping session and breastfeeding is painful. I dont know why. And I googled that it might be because I use the wrong level of pumping. I should decrease the level if its painful, but I didnt. So after improvising, my nipple no longer cracking. 

- Time.

Time is never a friend when you have loads to do. Even pumping at the cubicle requires you to sit down and pump. But its hard when you have to meet people and move around. But you gotta do what you gotta do, right! 

- Choosing a pump. 

Its hard. But I did consult a friend because I saw her story how she did handsfree pumping while doing work. She introduced me to Pumponthego website and instagram so I've been doing research and I went to the store to get a better consultation. Pumponthego Wangsa Maju worker has been so much help to me and husband and helps me to get a better understanding on which pump and handsfree that I should buy. 

There's lot of lesson I get from my breastfeeding journey and I hope for baby no.2, I can still breastfeed. Because you know what they say, different baby will have different experience. 

I did a mistake during confinement and working because I didnt drink much plain water and I didnt pump regularly. If I continue pumping regularly, I wouldnt be struggling to increase my milk supply. I should have never hesitated to invest money to get a high quality pump. 

But nevertheless, husband has been so helpful and a great support for me and alhamdulillah, we both work as a team to try and provide whats best for Harris.

I am not saying that NOT breastfeeding is bad thing though, no. Some people want to breastfeed but maybe they cant. Everybody is struggling. And I am grateful that I am able to breastfeed. Even with so much struggle, I manage to overcome it. Breastfeeding is a commitment and a choice. We all can choose. I am just sharing my breastfeeding journey. 

Wasalam. Love, Nina M.